Chapter 2???
I wrote this, roughly a month before I took my girls Christmas shopping, but I thought it interesting enough so with a little polish I present my thoughts at Christmas 2007.
Christmas Day 2007
Well, I first want to say to all of you, thank you, for being my angels this year and for your prayers and kind thoughts. As most of you know I keep toying with the idea of writing a book. A kind of this is my life, here are my mistakes, please learn from them so you do not have to suffer the pain I went through, but then I realized that the ones reading this would probably be to smart to get themselves into the messes I have…so such is life. I never claimed to be a genius and my life has done a pretty good job of showing in stark detail that few would claim I am.
But this is Christmas, and those of you who know me, know how much I love this time of year. I mean really, who else do you know who whistles Christmas tunes in July? This Christmas, I was hard pressed to think of a gift for those who have shown me such love throughout the past year. Dying or almost dying in April has done a good job of messing with me, getting use to having a pretty weird left hand, I can type, hit most of the right keys, just can’t feel my hand as I do it. I can button my shirt but cannot feel the button hole. So getting use to my current limitations has been hard. Not being able to feel my daughters hand in my left hand has sucked, no lying there, but with God’s grace I hope it will get better. I still have a left hand, I can walk, and I can talk, and I don’t drool, so really life is good.
Now what has any of this do with giving you a gift? Well, this is Christmas, and this is a day for the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, kind of a giant birthday bash. So what I was thinking was I would give you a gift that was given to me. Every morning as I do my daily reflections, you know that sober thingy, I read a place card given to me. It is entitled “One Life”, don’t know the author is but I like it, for it cuts down to the bare bones a single, very, important life, and care to guess whose?
One Life
He was born in a stable,
In an obscure village,
the child of a peasant woman.
From there He traveled,
Less than 200 miles.
He never wrote a book.
He never held an office.
He did none of the things one
usually associates with greatness.
He became a nomadic preacher,
Popular opinion turned against Him,
He was betrayed by a close friend,
And His other friends ran away.
He was unjustly condemned to death,
Crucified on a cross among common thieves,
On a hill overlooking the town dump,
And when dead, laid in a borrowed grave.
Nineteen centuries have come and gone,
Empires have risen and fallen,
Mighty armies have marched,
And powerful rulers have reigned.
Yet no one has affected men as much as He,
He is the central figure of the human race,
He is the Messiah, the Son of God,
JESUS CHRIST.
I have had this for around ten years, and the humbleness of it always strikes me. We have all read or heard rag to riches stories, where someone born in poverty makes it big, example Marilyn Monroe, someone who had nothing, makes it to stardom, and has everything one could want. It makes good press, but someone who had nothing, died with nothing, had to borrow a grave to bury him in, and yet everyone knows his name? Does that make sense? He never wrote a book, a paragraph or a single sentence, but has had volumes written about his actions and what he is reported to have said. He wasn’t a world traveler or explorer, just wandered around, and yet is known in all four corners of the world, pretty impressive if you ask me. What I really like about “One Life” is the simple statement of fact. If you’re a Christian or not, a believer or not, a church going person or not, if you have different beliefs, that is your right, but in reading “One Life” one can see where humility and humbleness can take one.
I have had times of great fear in my life, when I got sober and had to face the law and the judge for my actions. When I got orders to be a Drill Sergeant and wondered if I was good enough. When I was being deployed to Bosnia and then to Kosovo, the fear of the unknown. When I asked Kerstin (my ex-wife now) to marry me and wondered if I was a good enough man for her. When I thought Kerstin might lose Meyra, our youngest daughter, due to bleeding, a great fear descended on my soul, that same fear when Kerstin called me and told me she had cancer, a very black night indeed. The same type of fear when Kerstin and I talked about how our marriage was no longer working, and perhaps it was in the best interest of us all to quit living that lie. Through all those times I have reflected on the humbleness of ”One Life” and prayed for the peace that comes from the knowledge of such inner serenity and what actions I needed to take to be of use.
When my dad died, it seemed heaven got to be a place of interest to me. When my oldest brother Bob, died and then when my next oldest brother Dennis past away, heaven did not seem like a bad place to live. When I had the car accident in April this year, seemed like it was time for me to move residence, laughing, but that did not happen and I am still among you all. But a funny thing, dying didn’t scare me, not then and not now after the accident. It occurred to me one day, when back from the hospital, that the people I love all know that I love them, and I know that they love me. That is not as bad thing to come to realize. I don’t actively hate anyone. No one is under my skin all day and night or living in my thoughts 24 hours a day. I think that is a really good thing and lastly there was no burning amends to make on my part, I was as free from my past as I think humanly possible. So dying did not scare me for I knew that people I love wait for me there, and that those I love here will eventually meet me there. That came partially from “One Life” when I think of how He died alone, and yet He knew He was going to see His Father.
Weird as it may seem I have never feared for my health, kind of like not worrying about my sobriety. Always figured my sobriety is my God’s and my sponsor’s job, my job is to be honest with them, and do what they tell me too. Health, that’s God’s job (in my book) my job is to be honest with him and be smart (as much as possible) with what I have. But I am wandering from the topic, when I have had great fear, you know, that big dark parallelizing type, I have not been shy about hitting my knees, thanking Him for his blessings and for what he has shown me in my life and to ask Him how I can be of service. For when I read “One Life” I think of what fear must He have had, but also how true to Himself, He must have been.
Chuck C once talked about ego, and in saying roughly “the only thing separating him from others or him from his God was his ego” Now, I have a healthy ego, those of you who know me, understand that. But in my understanding there is nothing wrong in a healthy ego, if it is held in check with an honest understanding of who is in charge. I know who is in charge and I know who supplies me with the serenity to meet the insanity my brain and my emotions produce when faced with calamity. Sometimes it is hard to get past my ego to get to Him, but it is amazing how fear and pain will motivate me. I am such a wimp. But here “One Life” really comes into play for me in that He was without ego, for that I think is the definition of humility, doing God’s work, i.e. helping others , just for the sake of doing it, not for the pat on the back. Just for the pure satisfaction of trying to please Him is enough…………………………………………………………….
Now it has been almost four years since I wrote Christmas Day 2007, and I like to reread my thoughts and see if they hold true. It nice to be able to report, that my thoughts on “One Life” are still the same. I still read it daily and ponder it’s many meanings to me.
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