written before my move back to the US
Sometimes
bringing light into the dark.
I
have been praying for an answer to a question as my life gets ready
to move into another phase of my development. I have been asking “of
where can I be of most use?”
As
my life here in Germany ends, I am pretty much free to go and do
whatever I choose to do. I will always be a father, and I look
forward to the visiting and visits but the need for me to be here is
slowly ending as my daughters grow.
So,
what do I do? I can pretty much live anywhere I want. While not
financially rich or anything, I do not have to search for a way to
make a living. So this is freedom? I needed some guidance as to
“huh now what?
The
more I have prayed, the more and more this answer keeps coming up.
Be of help. Be an example of my love and give a hand where needed.
Not exactly clear cut instructions. Not go down a block and take a
left. Leaves a lot to be inferred and up for interpretation.
So
I asked for guidance, and more guidance. When I was drinking I had
some dark times. Not exactly my favorite thing to look back on. I
barely lived through it the first time, why relive it looking for
answers? I honestly keep coming up with God’s love.
When
I drank, I wanted, needed someone’s approval of me. I turned to
looking for a sexual answer. I figured in my drunken state that if
they, (whoever they happened to be) thought I was good enough then I
must be okay. Drinking filled up 99 percent of the hole in me but
the center was still crying alone. This desire and drive to be
whole, this need for validation of who I was, led me to many, many
stupid, self harming decisions.
From
A to Z if you can think it, I most likely did it, looking for
something to fill the spot in my soul that screamed when I was alone.
This was thankfully, before the internet, so I was limited to what
was at hand with which to satisfy the urge to be filled. I am not
going into specifics, but needless to say I did not find what I was
looking for there anymore that I found in the bottle.
Then
came sobriety and that filled the hole in a good way. But as with
life, it keeps going on and it was easy to lose sight of the past.
The internet came in to its own, and I got married, and as it got bad
in the marriage I started looking again. On the internet I found chat
rooms. I started chatting with all sorts. Good, bad, young and old,
they all seemed to be looking for something. Usually sex, and I
thought, wondered, would that fill the hole in my soul?
Now
it’s only chatting right? I was only thinking about it and not
taking any action on it. Just chatting, trying to get some relief
from this self imposed loneliness. I have said many, many, times I
could rationalize, justify anything into being right in my mind. But
in my heart and soul I knew I was wrong.
The
more I looked, the more I was saddened. For the answer flared up in
me bright and strong, that this was stupid, harmful and just not
right. It was like being a broke child in a candy store. It served no
purpose and was of no use and did not belong in my life.
Now
God’s love is a funny thing. Here I was condemning myself for being
stupid, and he just whispered in my soul, that being human means
learning from your mistakes and that his love for me was as strong as
ever. Being a father I know that, I would do anything to keep my
children from harm, but that some lessons in life one must live
though in order to get perspective, grow, and learn from.
I
knew his love for me was still there from the way my life was. But
in reflection, it added a thought to my thinking. How alone must
those people on the net feel? What has shaped their lives this way?
Why are so many looking for something when the answer lies within?
I
quit the chat rooms as my life got busier and busier. I was too busy
being a father and working to play stupid games. My life had filled
with the proper purpose and I was trying to live up to my end of the
bargain. So that all kind of fell into the memory department as
something for a later day.
The
thought came to me a couple months ago, that I should look once again
into this. I was not looking to fill anything missing in my life this
time. I was instead looking to see if my initial perceptions were right. If the sadness and loneliness was as real as I remembered.
I
looked and found that same thing. While some were just the normal
chat type rooms, on cooking, or cars or sports. In every room there
was a sexual component in it. Always someone trying to find someone
to fill a need in them. In the adult chat rooms it was even
worse. It seemed to be a matter of how strange can one be, how off
the path must one get in order to get the attention they want. I
sat back, thought, contemplated, prayed and rolled this over and over
in my mind. Why? Why were people doing this? What where they looking
for? What answers were they seeking? What was missing in their life
that made them look so deep into the darkness?
I
have heard it said and read it, that in each of us is the fundamental
belief in God. Though it may be covered up by experiences in life,
ego, pride and disbelief, it is still there waiting patiently to be
found. Once found, life truly begins. Once I found it, it created a
hunger for me to learn more of this God of my understanding. But
until it was found I had the sense of separation, that something was
missing.
I
have that inside feeling, that gut feeling, that this is what those
on the net who are searching are looking for. That they are looking
outside themselves to fill a hole that can only be filled from
within. How to get someone from point A to point B?
More to come...................
