large blessing, smill packages, a night out!!!!!

           I had an evening out with my youngest daughter, the other night.  She is 12 and I took her and her girlfriend out bowling and naturally, dinner at the bowling alley. (Why is it bowling alley’s have such great food?)  Whenever I have the opportunity to be with my daughters it is special to me.  They are getting older, one is in her teens and one is almost there, so being with Poppa is not always cool.  But my youngest still has a little of the Poppa time about her that always makes me feel special. 

          Being sober and having the chance to see and appreciate this is always a blessing.  Kind of like my God giving me a little pat on the back, “keep up the good work, isn’t it nice to know you are loved” type of thing.  Now my daughters and ex-wife have never seen me drink, and actually my youngest was born just prior to my 10 yr sobriety anniversary, so they have no real point of reference to what this means to me.  I have always been grateful to my God for waiting till I was older to have children in my life.  I was in my late 30’s when all of this started happening, and I still chuckle about it today.  All those Father’s Days that went by with no knock on the door, and the “Hi, guess who I am Dad…lol” but I know I would not have appreciated what I now have if I would have been younger.   When I was younger, I was way to self absorbed and self centered, to truly appreciated and be grateful for the gifts He had given me.  I think that is one of the banes of youth and of being a drunk, is that I was convinced “It’s all about me”.

          Now, in the present, I can appreciate and be grateful for the gifts I have received from his mercy and love.  My fondest and most cherished memories are those times I have been able to spend with my daughters, those sweet moments suspended in time, which spell out the depth of my love for them. So that when I think of my girls, those times come flooding into my mind, putting this silly-ass grin on my face. (Yes I am smiling right now writing this)  I know that life will put strains and stress’s on the relationships I have with my daughters, but I also know that God , when I take the time and listen, will help me to steer though the dark and muddy times and put be on the true course with my girls.  After all I am not really their father, He is, I am just by His Grace, their parent, caregiver, role model and guardian, but what a beautiful job He has given for me to do and how I cherish and relish doing it.

          This is the gift of Sobriety in its finest and most fulfilling.  To be of use to Him and to those I love.  Finishing this with a quick story, one day I was having a particularly shitty day at work, phone ringing constantly, everyone at work bickering, not enough coffee, you all know that deal.  Well, I was in a real sour mood when I got a text message.  It was from my youngest daughter, and contained three little words…..”I Love You”.  Now there is now way I deserved that, let alone expected that.  It was just God’s little gift and my daughter’s big gift to me, reminding me of the important thing in life.   A gift that comes from being physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually sober.

          So more jibber jabber later… time for coffee..

A Little on Step 11 and God.

The blue is me and the black is AA. 

Step Eleven: "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

It works - it really does.

We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. "Faith without works is dead." The next chapter is entirely devoted to Step Twelve.

So I love this step.  It asks me to chat with my favorite buddy / friend / Father.   But first I must disciple myself to do this.  Discipline is not a hard or mean or difficult thing.  It pays great dividends.   I look at it like this “either I discipline myself from within or I will get disciplined from without.”  If I know the speed limit is 65, I have two choices, either to obey the speed limit (discipline from within) or the police will pull me over and give me a ticket (discipline from without).  It follows though the whole of my living.  It gives me the greatest freedom, knowing I have nothing to fear (a great BIG deal in my Life) for I am doing the right thing.  When I drank I was always afraid of something (real or imagined).  This step (which I use throughout the day) keeps me from having the fear of not doing what I know I should do.

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.

Doing this, in the evening before bed, allows me to see my day for what it really was, and not what I might have imagined it to be.  Now honestly I cannot think of a single day in my life where I was kind and loving toward all.  Not that I am a jerk to everyone, I am normally a nice guy, but it is hard to be kind and loving to someone who cuts me off in traffic or is a living example that their family tree has no branches.  But today I can look over my day and see if I was able to tolerate that behavior and not live in the retaliation mode.  I didn’t chase anyone down and show them my talents in being an ass.  It is a time of reflection, and when I reflect, it usually turns into a gratitude session.  Being grateful to the things my God has put in my life, of the many gifts I have been given and the blessings that make my life worth living.

Now there are a great number of good prayers and readings out in the world, so I am not going to get into that here and now but the important thing for me is I have some that kind of force me in, a pleasant way, to look at God and my relationship with him.  I do not know when in my sobriety (early on it was) when I stopped talking to myself and starting talking with God (and no I don’t hear voices, lol) but it has turned into a great joy in my life to chat with God and laugh at my silly daily plans for life.  Whenever I look at it, I am always surprised with God wanting what’s best for me and me wanting to settle for good enough.. lol… ah life.

        On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorce d from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed o n a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.

         Like I have written about, I am not a morning person especially before the morning coffee and cigarette.  So what I do is get my coffee and cigarette, my morning reading, relax (yes my mind can go a hundred miles an hour at 5 a.m.) and just read and think a little about what I have read and my life.  I ask my Friend to keep an eye out for me and to let me know where I can be of use.  Nothing drastic or in depth, just let me how I can help.  Seems to work nicely for it calms my mind and keeps me reminded of what’s really important in life.

         All this does is allow me to live a more relaxed, less stressful life, for I am not producing disharmony or anger, and that frees up a lot of energy I would have been using in worry and fear.  My God is a pretty good guy.  He knows I am trying and so in the grand scheme of things he cuts me some slack.   He still is not going to do for me what I can do for myself, but he makes it easier for me to accomplish whatever is at hand.

Step ten thoughts... life LOL.. who would have thunk it?

I don’t know why but over the last year I have been giving step 10, 11 and 12 some thought. (only dangerous if I actually use my brain) This is what I have come up with, after thinking, reading and listening.

This thought brings us to Step Ten,

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong
promptly admitted it.

Which suggests we continue to take personal inventory (which we learned in step 4)

Continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. (Which we learned in step 9)

We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. (Doing step 10, 11 and 12 while working step 9)  We have entered the world of the Spirit.

Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. (Step 4)

When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. (Step 7)

We discuss them with someone immediately (Step 5)

and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone (Step 9)

Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. (Step 3 prayer)

Love and tolerance of others is our code. (Telling me how I should interact with others)

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. (Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.) We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. (this is what happens in doing 10, 11, 12, we keep in fit spiritual condition)

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. (tells us what happens if we do not continue with 10, 11, 12) Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. (tells me what I must do daily) "How can I best serve Thee, Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions (steps), we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action. (no such thing as nap time)

So what it tells me is do the first 9 steps before step 10.  Kind of like expecting Christmas cards when you never send one out.   Doesn't do much good.  Life is an action sport, not a sit on the bench or be a couch potato but a get up and get going type thing..... if I want a good life, I had best live a good Life.. found out long time ago.. my God will not do for me what I can do for myself..... although He does laugh alot at me when I ask Him too... kind of like a father laughing at his child.."ya right, at 15 you sure do know it all..lol"

The blue is my thoughts,, the black courtesy of AA.

Mondays....

Is it just me or does there seem to be more than one monday every seven days?