Sorry been busy lol

hello everyone. sorry i have not been posting, was busy finishing my book, "The Dirt Road I Walk Down"  but the posts will start again soon.. thank you Larry

Steps 4 and 5 , using steps 1,2 ,3 my thoughts

Using Steps 1, 2 and 3, Working Steps 4 and 5.

        So I have taken steps 1, 2 and 3, now, how do I use them in my everyday life?  At the end of step 3 in the 12x12 is the serenity prayer.

“God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Strength to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

        How do I tie all this together?  The Big Book talks about a spiritual tool kit to be used.  Well it only makes sense then, that as I go along in the steps that I will be picking up knowledge on how to use these tools and will be able to use them to alleviate some of the daily build up of garbage that use to plague my life and daily living.     

        One of the first things I had to do when I first got sober was to quit fighting everything and everyone.  I had to take a step back, take a deep breath, relax, and seriously realize that I was not the boss; that I did not really know what was best for everyone; that others did not have to live up to my expectations of them. (God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change) Secondly I had to realize that I need to change my thinking, of both me and the world around me.  That it could not be done by my thinking but by my actions.  The only thing I could work on was me and not the universe around me.  I was going to have to start taking actions to retrain my brain, my way of thinking, to see what I needed to do, and not waste the time or energy on trying to change the world to fit me.  (Strength to change the things I can) Lastly, I needed to remember I knew right from wrong.  I needed to listen to the voice inside me (my conscience) and start to take action on my life instead of reacting to the situations I found myself in. I had always believed in God; but now it was time to start taking actions on those beliefs and as I took action, I found my belief and trust deepened.  (Wisdom to know the difference)

        Now the actions I took where quiet simple (and they still are), things like:         consistently be on time, to work, meetings, appointments, whatever.

        Be prepared for what was at hand: work, meetings, whatever.

        Say please, thank you, hello or goodbye.

Living up to my promises, doing what I say I am going to do, when I say I will do it.

Staying on my side of the street, keeping it clean, doing the next right thing, and trusting God that no one will swerve into it.

        Now these are all pretty simple things, but they are things I never did with consistency. With me it was hit or miss, will I or won’t I? I had to start disciplining myself from within before I was disciplined from without. A classic example is: if the speed limit is 30 mph, and I am driving, then I need to keep my speed to 30 or less, (discipline from within), if not the cops pull me over and I get a speeding ticket (disciple from without). The benefit of all this when I first got sober, (and still to this day), is that I had a lot less fear or anxiety in my daily life.  I was beginning to start to realize that I was only human, faults and all, and I was starting to establish some boundaries for myself on what was and was not acceptable behavior.

        So now….. Big bad Step 4: all my dirty little secrets…… all my he-he-he- he they didn’t catch me and now you want me to blab this to someone?  I garnered a lot of fear of this step by sitting in meetings listening to people who had not taken a fourth step, tell why they did not need to, and why in their judgment it wasn’t necessary.  Bullshit… that kept me from not doing one for almost 18 months, allowing myself to justify my stupidity and stay sick when in reality; it is rather simple, fulfilling and a great tool I have used on a couple of occasions when the crap has built up in my life.

A couple of things I was taught and learned.  First is the fourth step is not, and again I remind myself, is not, a fifth step. Second it is a moral inventory, it is not a listing of all the crap I pulled or times I jaywalked or ran a stop sign or drove drunk. It is most definitely not a listing of all the harms others have done me. I am looking at me; all of me, the good and the bad. The Big Book writes about how a store that does not take inventory will soon go broke.  When I was managing a 7/11 I use to do a daily inventory of the store, checking for items that had expired or were past their use by date. Nobody wants to buy old milk, lol.  The good items I left on the shelf and the expired items got pulled.  I approach the fourth step in much the same manner.  Lastly, everyone I knew in A.A. that had what I wanted, that sense of inner peace and that belief in a God of their own understanding had done a fourth step and only talked about the benefits of doing one.

Now I am not going to go through the process of doing a fourth step. I did mine the way it is written in the Big Book of A.A. What I am going to write is not new information.  It is in my memory; I just need to put it into an orderly fashion on paper so I can look at it.  A couple of lessoned learned from this.  The Big Book writes “Instincts on rampage bulk at investigation” and mine surely did. I had to make the decision to make the decision.  My mind is a dark place sometimes.  I had to make the decision to do a fourth step and then make a decision to actually sit down with pencil and paper and actually write it out. Next, I had to define some things in my brain. First there was no grading of my work, it is a self examination. It does not have to be perfect. Next, what was the definition of resentment?  Thanks go to a very good friend who told this to me. “If, when I was 5, I had a little red wagon, and it broke, and I got mad, that is a memory…. If I am still mad that wagon broke, that is a resentment”. Any memory, person, event or institution that brings up an emotional response, needs to be looked at.  I started from today and worked my way back in time to my childhood.  Then I looked at what had happened or I perceive as having happened.

Next I look at what this affected in my life. After I had started writing this became quiet fascinating, I could start to see how “A” + “B”= pushing my buttons on “C”. Up to this point though, I am not looking at me, just what others have done and how I let it affect me.  So the next thing I look at is what my part in it all was.  This is where I had to honestly look at me.  How others affected me was as far as I ever got in life, it never occurred to me that my action might have precipitated some of it. (well actually after looking at it, most of it…) This is where I had to admit that a lot of what I had done was wrong, and it had caused pain, suffering and negative consequences.  It made me feel like I had been a little shit most of my life.

After having written all of this down, I had to look at my fears.  My fear as I discover has been my primary motivation in life. Fear of not getting what’s mine, fear of losing what’s mine, fear of someone else getting more than me, all of that motivated me in a weird, convoluting way.  Be they rational or irrational fears I need to list them all and look at them.  I can no longer afford to live on a fear based mentality, not if I plan on staying sober.

The last part of my inventory deals with my sex life.  I had to be common sensed when I looked at this.  I like sex, but it caused me many problems, so I needed to come to an understanding of myself and not be maudlin or guilt ridden when looking at it.  Many, many times in my drinking life, I would find myself, literally with my pants down around my knees in situations I should not have been in, and would not have even considered if I had been sober.  It would have been a lot easier to just write it off as “boys being boys” or “just one of those drunken things, stupid me, not going to do that again” but it happened too often to be able to just shrug it off.  It caused me too much shame, remorse and led to a lot of forgetting “drinking”.  A big part of it was in the “if you feel I am ok and having sex meant you did, and then no matter what I know, I must be ok”.  Not a rational, sensible, responsible way of living, but when I drank, I could not claim to be that.  So I had to put aside the guilt, remorse and shame I felt to look at my sex life, remembering I was building a future and not living or reliving the past. I need to look over my past relationships, see what they actually were not my dream version of them.  I do not need to relive the past but I need to learn from my mistakes and establish a ground zero on which to build a future.

Having written all this down, I was amazed by it. I never realized how much power I had given the people in my life, over me. I was like a silly little puppet, pull this string, and watch me react this way.  I had not been taking actions on my life but spend a life reacting to the situations around me.  Mostly those reactions involved drinking and hoping it would change on its own. In reading it over, I felt a couple of things rather strongly.  I felt guilty and ashamed of a lot of the actions I had taken.  I, also, felt extremely stupid. There is nothing like writing out my drunken stupidity to make me feel stupid.

Through the course of writing my first fourth step, some things became clear.  I am human and made lots of mistakes in my life.  I am not a bad person; rather I am sick person suffering from the disease of alcoholism.  That even though I am sick, that is not an excuse for inexcusable behavior or actions.  When I was a child, it was ok to be a child, but as an adult, I need to grow up both mentally and emotionally.  I need to learn to take a course of action on my life, not react to my surroundings and also, I needed to take responsibilities for my past actions if I wanted to be free to live a happy productive life today and tomorrow.

Now I did not just wake up one morning and decide to do a fourth step.  I looked around at my life at 18 months of sobriety and realized it was pretty shitty.  My girlfriend (or honestly, the lady I wanted to be my girlfriend) who had been in the fellowship had gone back to drinking. The car I had finagled into getting was being repossessed.  I learned it helps to make payments on time.  I was living in a trailer, in a trailer park, and my kitty cat had just died, having run over it by accident with the car that was about to be repossessed. So my life was not a shining example of rocketing to the top of sobriety.  I was in a lot of emotional pain, confused, and unsure as to what to do just as when I got sober, but by this time I knew there was a better way, and that the only one able to do it was me.  It was a little sickening knowing I had no one to blame but myself.  So that was the driving forces behind me taking and doing a fourth step, pain and fear.

Those were also the motivating forces behind me taking the fifth step.  I had never in the beginning of my sobriety done any step without the motivation of pain.  Be it emotional or mental, pain and fear had been the key motivational forces in my recovery.  I had to feel the flame on my ass (sorry, graphic, but true) in order to take some sort of action. I have not been one to joyous leap into the thought of change.  Change is painful, so the pain of not changing had to be greater.  I gave fair warning; my mind is a dark place sometimes, quirky that way.

So now it is time to do Step Five! Ouch…. 5.”Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” There is nothing I can say about, it scared me.  I had been raised to be a man, self sufficient, me onto myself and the thought of blabbing my inner self to someone was just: it gave me the willies. My sponsor at that time was a very pragmatic man and we met every Tuesday at 7:00 p.m. for one hour, and went page by page through the first 164 pages of the Big Book. After sitting on my backside not doing a fourth, once it was done, I wanted to get the fifth step out of the way. 

For up to this point, all I had done was, 1. Admit I had a problem, 2. Admit I needed help. 3. Pray to this God, that I know very little about, that He will help. 4. Look at myself and realize that. “Hey guess what? I am a mess”.  All of this I had admitted to myself, but no real action had been taken.  So, why do a fifth step?  Why not just work on what I found in the fourth step by myself?  I’m a pretty smart guy, couldn’t be too hard, not like I am trying to do this drunk or anything.  I’m sober and my life is just wonderful. Right! See my mind will try to talk me into all sorts of stupid, irrational or just downright dumb ideas. There is a line in the Big Book, in writing about the Fifth Step, which goes “The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking”. No second reason is given, and I really don’t think any other reason is necessary. Now here I want to add something important to me.  I never feared drinking, not when I was and not when I got sober.  I do not fear it today.  What scared me then were the consequences of my drinking. The lack of control when I took the first drink, the guilt, shame, remorse and fear that came with the drinking. That is why I needed to overcome drinking, because I knew that if left to my own, I would drink. (this is still the case, I am granted a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition.)

So first I had to admit to God these things I had done, and in doing so I came to realize I was admitting them to myself. This is who I really am, not the person I thought or hope or wanted to be, but who I really, underneath all the B.S., was.

On that Tuesday at 7.p.m., I was sitting in my car, hands clutching the steering wheel, every irrational fear I could think of and some new ones to boot, coursing through my body, trying to figure a way out of having to do this.  Sometimes will power is all I have, and I had to make myself get out of the car and go in to see my sponsor.  Now my sponsor is a nice guy, and I respected him, trusted him, and knew in my head that this was the right thing to do, but try and get through to my emotions? Fat chance.  So why am I doing this with my sponsor?  Well the Big Book gives me plenty of alternatives to a sponsor.  My reasoning was this: if I went to a doctor or psychologist I would get a medical view, if I went to a priest, I would get a religious view, if I went to a stranger, I most likely get the cops called or a really weird look.  All of those are valid, but I needed someone who knew sobriety, who could look over and tell me what I needed, or if I was getting off course, steer me in the right direction.  Like God either is or He is not, so it is with trust. I either trust my sponsor or I do not. 

Well I trusted my sponsor. So I sat down across from his desk, and he had me start to read what I had written. Now I learned something valuable that I still use today, he told me only to read what I had written, not add anything like “well let me explain this or here is how  etc.”, just what was written. That is what I did, read what I had written, and as I went along, he would add stories or memories from his own experience.  Now after an hour, he stopped me.  He said he would see me again next Tuesday to finish it.  I was like… but .. but .. but.. I am not done…still it was just another meeting with my sponsor.  The next Tuesday I went through the same emotional turmoil in the car before I decided to go in and finish.  When I went in it was the same, just read what I had written, with him adding along to it from his own experience.  I learned a valuable lesson in that. That was, the fifth step is no more important than the fourth or third or sixth or seventh.  There are twelve steps and I need them all and they are of equal value in sobriety.  When we got done with my fifth step, we talked a little about it, and he gave instructions to follow reference to the sixth step, but that was really it.

This whole emotional build up I had, had, was just that, in my head.  Nothing earth shattering, did not get arrested, no one looked at me strange or said they saw a spiritual glow or anything.  I had taken the action I should have, someone knew me for who I really was and the sun came out on Wednesday just like normal.   It was the next day or the day after I came to realize a couple of things about this whole experience. One was I felt I had now earned my seat at the A.A. table, and that felt good.  That someone knew me for who I actually was and had not been revolted, and that felt good.  I started to feel that there was hope for me, and yes that felt really good.  So nothing about the fifth step had any bad results, it all led me to feeling better about who I was and my situation in life.

As I end this up about the fifth step I want to add one thing.  It has been my privilege in A.A. to sponsor people, both men and women.  As such I basically take them through the Big Book like my sponsor did with me.  When it comes to the fifth step, I listen to their whole fifth step at one sitting.  I have comes to realize the importance of getting it all out, for the person involved.  The Big Book does not say anything about stopping, yes or no, it just says “We pocket our pride and go to it”. Next I realized after hearing my first fifth step from someone I sponsored, just how boring it was and how self absorbed it is.  Sitting in the other chair, listening and adding my experience when needed, I can see the transformation of the person doing the step.         

After listening to my 1^st Fifth step, I remember calling my sponsor, and asking him; “Was mine really that boring? And his answer, was classic, yep, I don’t remember anything you read me”.  I have listening to many fifth steps and can honestly say I do not remember one single incident from any of them.  Lastly, after my fifth step, when I got home, I realized I had left out the whole relationship with my girlfriend.  It was not intentional, I had just purely forgotten. When I called and told my sponsor this, he was not surprised, he just said, well inventory it, like you do in the fourth, and we will go over it, like in the fifth, next time we meet.  Once the first large chunk has been gone through, I was not surprised those small pieces came up to the surface or that I remembered things from the past. The difference being is that now I have a tool to use and I know how to use it.

hopefully a little humor

Life should make one chuckle, after all the are no "do overs"  so i  hope you enjoy,  a little of the lighter side:

Some basic facts and questions I have:

1.   Having a smart phone does not make me any smarter.

2.   Saying I am sorry only goes so far before people start agreeing that I am sorry…..

3.   When I feel tired, disheartened, and confused, I am part of the 99%, when I am delusional, I am part of the 1%.

4.   Whoever said size doesn’t matter, never argued with a 6’6” 240lbs man.

5.   If something sounds too good to be true; it’s out of my price range.

6.   I have never lost my keys, just forgot which locks they go to.

7.   I am a firm believer in Gay rights and Gay marriage; they should have the same right to pay alimony, child support and be miserable as I do.

8.   I keep getting emails to support Alzheimer research but I forget where to send the check.

9.   They put a man on the moon, but cannot figure out how to put hair on my head? Or at least transplant it from my ears.

10.                Men were born clueless, and unfortunately women know it.

11.                If money cannot buy me happiness; I would still rather be rich and unhappy than poor and unhappy.

12.                When I was born a stranger slapped me on the ass, kind of set the tone for the rest of my life.

13.                 When I die a stranger is going to throw dirt on my face; is that some sort of payback?

14.                If misery loves company; why am I so alone?  

15.                I got an email for a penis enlargement cream; since when is 12 inches not enough? And how did they know I was a man?

16.                How come glue doesn’t stick to the inside of the bottle?

17.                If everything tastes like chicken; why doesn’t the egg?

18.                Why does identity theft always seems to happen to the guy in the trailer home?

19.                I went to a small Midwestern university and found out Penthouse lied.

20.                Looking at porn on the internet is the equivalent of being a broke child in a candy store.

Hope this put a smile on your face, yes some of us (me) are sicker than others. I am taking donations to find a cure.

12 Steps, one, two and three

The Big One:  The Twelve Steps by Larry

       

Ok, so in sobriety we have the twelve steps.  The clear cut directions are in the Big Book.  I love ‘How It Works” Chapter Five in the Big Book, the short version being; “It Works Just Fine”.  Now this is not going to be a detailed non approved version of the steps by Larry. This is only my thoughts and experiences on working the steps in my life. From the stand point of when I first took the steps, to my experience in using them over the last 22 yrs, and the experiences of taking those I sponsored through them.  This is from my experiences and memories and as such is not subject to debate.  This is just the actions I took and the results of those actions. In Chapter Five of the Big Book, at the end of what is normally read in a meeting there is “God could and would if He were sought”.  Now how do I know if this is true?  Easily, two ways, the first is to read the stories in the back of the Big Book, where members write how they came to find a God of their own understanding, and the easiest way is just ask a member of AA who has taken all twelve steps.

        Now through taking the steps the first time, all my actions were guided by my sponsor and the Big Book.  Just because I read them on the wall or dabbled with them in the treatment center does not mean I had taken them.  It was through working with my sponsor, who took me through the Big Book, page by page, and taking the actions contained therein that I took the steps. The sponsor who took me through the Big Book did not give me his opinion, or his personal beliefs, just this is what the Big Book says, “We did this” so this is what I must do. The Big Book tells me what actions to take, what the results will be and it also tells me what actions not to take, and what the results of those actions will be.  Kind of simple, and when I first got sober, that is what I needed: simple. (still do, I can put myself into a dilemma by over thinking how I want my coffee.) So these are the twelve steps in the unabridged, unapproved version by Larry.-

  Step One

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable."

Step Two

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

            Now the first step is asking me “Did I have problems when I drank? Did I have problems when I wasn’t drinking?”  It is not asking me how many DUI”s I have, or do I live in a cardboard box.  It is not asking did I beat the wife and kids or did bill collectors have my phone number on speed dial.  The first step in how it actually reads is not even asking me if I am an alcoholic. These are questions only I can answer.

        Step two is asking me simple, “Do I need help? Am I thinking with a soundness of mind (Bill’s definition of sanity) or do I need some outside help in that area? Again only a question I can answer. 

Am I having problems and do I need help? Because in Chapter 5 of the Big Book, right after C. “God could and would if He were sought” comes the line, “Being convinced, we were at Step Three.”  Well being convinced of what exactly?  That I was an alcoholic of the type described in the first four chapters, and that “A. That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives, B. The probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism, and C. That God could and would if He were sought.”  So really the first two steps are idea’s, that in looking over my life and actions, am I convinced of them? There is no real action taken except introspection and thought. (No sacrificing chickens or dancing naked in circles…., just thought and reflection)  But it does ask me to answer some questions. The first being, am I an alcoholic? Which in itself begs the question, what is an alcoholic? I have four questions I use, that help me.

1)    Do I wonder if I am an alcoholic? I guess most normal people don’t worry about it. I wondered, because I did not have a clue as to what was going on in my life. I just knew that I was having a lot of problems in my life, and that drinking was my answer to those problems.  Not that drinking solved the problems, but that by drinking I was able to live with the problems I was having.

2)   Do I ever think of the second drink while drinking the first? After work when I would sit down to relax and have that first drink, and felt its effect on me.  That “AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and I would feel my body relax, the knot in my stomach and shoulders loosen and feel myself coming back to “normal”, I would think, mmmmmm if this feels so good, I cannot wait for the second.

3)   Can I guarantee my actions after the first drink?  Did the plans I have for the day or the evening change once I sat down and had that first drink? Was I able to control how much I drank? Stopping when I wanted to? After the first drink, did I find myself drinking even though I had said I was only going to have one?  Did I ever just change my mind when I was drinking, so that after the first one, to hell with it, might as well drink till I had my fill?

4)   And, Can I look myself in the mirror, straight in the eye, and not flinch? At the end of my drinking I knew what I was doing was not right, but I could see no solution to the problems at hand.  The only solution I knew was, that when I drank, I could at least cope, handle or escape and avoid looking at, those problems. So whenever I looked in the mirror it was like not being able to escape myself, and having to accept the person I was; not the person I wanted to be, or the person I thought I was, but the person I had become.

        Lastly, this is going to sound kind of simple and silly, but why would I be looking for a solution if I didn’t think I had a problem? When I’d clean house of all the superficial b.s. and looked at myself, without the thoughts of everything else going on, but just seriously looked at myself, was I happy with the way my life was going and was I drinking well?  To answer that question all I had to do was look at my last drunk, and the events leading up to that drunk.  I was having financial problems due to not paying my bills, because I was spending my money on partying with my girlfriend, getting drunk, trying to impress her.  At the same time, we, her and I, would get drunk, fight, and the cops would get called, and I would get asked to leave, and get shown the door. Now we did not have a lot in common except we both like to drink, and we both liked sex. It was not the foundation to a lasting relationship, and she finally had enough and kicked me out for good. I was now in financial difficulties, with a broken relationship, and the people I worked with had started to notice my drinking.

        I have heard it said that the only thing worse for a drunk than bad luck is good luck.  Well, with all this going on in my life, I got a promotion.  At last, things were going to turn around, and I would be okay.  For I thought success was the answer and that if you thought I was okay than I must be okay. So on the day of my promotion, I did what I always did when I got promoted and threw a promotion party. The more I drank, the more the thought came into my head, that I needed to go show that ungrateful girlfriend that I was a success and she didn’t know what she was missing. That obviously the problem in our relationship had been her fault, not mine, because I was okay, I had just gotten promoted, so naturally I was okay. On the way down to see her, I was pulled over by the police. It was not a pretty sight; being drunk, driving and having a beer can fall out from between my legs when I tried to get out of the car at the policeman’s request. When he shown his flashlight in my face and asked me what seemed to be the problem, the only answer I could come up with the truth, I am drunk. So the first step memories were still fresh when I walked in the doors.

        When I came in the doors of AA it was not by choice. As a soldier, the Army frowns on DUI’s especially as you go up in rank, but my bosses thought enough of me that I should being given the chance. The treatment center I was sent to sent us (the patients) by bus, to AA every night.  It was good in the aspect of at least I got out of the hospital, and got around some hot coffee and pretty ladies. Then through the course of sitting in the meetings, I came to realize, that the people in the meetings had drank like I had, had the same problems that I had, and yet had seemed to have found an answer to their living problems, that I was looking for. I came to believe that there was something in AA that could help me.  I wasn’t yet fully convinced that I was an alcoholic that came in time, study and self examination. But the seed of the solution to my problem had been planted.  

        I do remember my first AA meeting, and I remember sitting between a married couple and after the meeting the wife turning to me and saying “I never had to live that way again if I chose not to.” In that sentence she threw the whole of my sobriety back into my lap.  Sobriety was my choice.  If I chose to drink, then fine, I could.  If I chose to stay sober, then fine, there were some things I was going to need to do.  I do believe that first day of sobriety was a gift (Grace?) from the God of my understanding, knowing that left to my own I would drink wither I wanted to or not.  I was given that first day in order to be able to make a choice. I needed to make a decision, either sobriety or the life I had been living. It was not as easy as it would sound, for I was use to coping with life by drinking, and here I was being asked to try someone else way of living life over the way I was use too.

        So I needed to make a decision, and once I made it, then what was I going to about it?  You see, I had to make a decision, not just come to a conclusion.  A decision requires action; while a conclusion is just a thought process. I came to many conclusions when I drank, like yes, I think I will have another, or maybe two even. So this leads me to Step Three.

 Step Three

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him"

        Now this sounds like it is going quickly time wise, but in reality it was at about a year and half sobriety that I was asked to make this decision. For until I got to Fort Polk, and started working the steps with my new sponsor, I had just been going to meetings, surrounding myself with the fellowship, talking the talk, but not taking any real action or living this way of life. I knew what I needed to do, and what I should be doing, but was still looking for a shortcut to my living problem.  My brain was basically telling me, yes, I have a problem but no I did not need to take or do anything drastic about it.  As was my normal, at that time, thinking, I was lying to myself and believing the lie. 

        So in short order, after going through the Big Book and 12X12 with my sponsor, this is what I learned about myself in Step One. I suffer from an illness or disease if you would. A mental obsession combined with a physical allergy to the body. (Sound familiar?) My mind sets me up to take the first drink, by all sorts of manners, like, its okay, this time it will be different, you can handle it, don’t worry, you need the relief and that first drink will give it to you.  All sorts of ways, my mind is telling me to take that first drink. Once that first drink is in my system, that AAAAAHHHHH feeling hits and the allergy takes over.  Not like breaking out in hives or sneezing but for me it is in developing a thirst, a thirst that I cannot quench.  At the end of my drinking time, I do not think I ever stopped drinking willingly, but I passed out so my body could not ingest anymore.  My mind and body were still thirsty, but my body could not handle any more of it in my system and I passed out, instead of going to sleep.

        It is a strange illness, for it is not able to be diagnosed by modern medicine.  It cannot be found in a sample of blood under a microscope or in a CAT scan.  It is not like a cancer, in that it shows up on with a biopsy, but it does have symptoms and if left untreated will cause untold misery and pain and if lucky, death. It is treatable but not curable I found out.  I can do something about it, but only I can take the actions, no one else can do it for me.  When I came to find this out, absorb it into my being and believe it to be true I came to a very stark discovery, I was screwed.  My mind was going to set me up and I was going to take a drink. I had two choices, really, to get sober, all the way sober or to go on drinking and to continue the downward slide, and if lucky come to an early death.

        In going through Step Two, I came to realize that AA, the group, my sober friends, could help me to stay physically sober, but that I needed more if I were going to get mentally, emotionally or spiritually sober. This is a little twisted but true, what do you get when you take the booze out of a drunken asshole? An asshole.  Being physically sober had changed me in many ways, but inside, I still was an immature little son of a bitch.  I did not like that feeling, and I wanted to feel the way I felt others were feeling when I was in the meetings. The Big Book talks about the peace and ease that comes from taking the first drink, well, I wanted the peace and ease that came from not taking the first drink. I wanted the sense of security that comes from a sense of belief in something greater than myself, and was tired of living in fear. Fear of drinking, fear of living, fear of failure, I was full of fear and was tired of living that way. So then came Step Three, and making a decision. 

        Now in going through the Big Book and Step Three with my sponsor, I came to start to understand who I was and what I actions I was going to have to take to relieve me of this burden.  These were not actions I relished in doing, for it meant in a way losing who I was or how I operated in life and replacing it with something I could only hope was better.  I had to look deep inside me, beyond all the façade of what I had built up as my belief and get down to the very bottom of my belief and start to rebuild it the way it should and needed to be, not the way I wanted it to be.  I had to find something I believed in, not with lip service but actually could, to the bone, believe in. My sponsor asked me a question, and it was, God either is or He is not, what was my choice to be? (at least that is how I remember it, dang pop quizzes) and he expected an answer.  For if I believe God is, cool, all is going to work out, if I believe God is not, then I might as well give up, for this is not going to do me any good. Then we went over the Third Step Prayer. Now the Big Book gives me a very good suggestion before taking this prayer. It is: “We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.”

        For this was not some quick fix deal. This was not some sleight of hand, do it for awhile till the heat is off type thing.  This was for me, something I was seriously going to do, to the best of my ability, one day at a time, for however long He gave me to do it, the never ending mortgage payment deal. This was the giving of me.  It was perhaps for the first time, me being an adult, looking at something from an adult perspective and agreeing to the terms and actions contained therein.

        So I am sitting with my sponsor on a Tuesday, going over the Third Step, and we say the Third Step Prayer together”

             “God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!”

   

     There was no great big light, no words in the air,, saying “Got It” there was just some peace and for me a feeling of having taken action. I went to the meeting after having met with my sponsor, and no one said,, oh you changed or oh, there is a glow about you, you must have taken the third step.  For me, there were two things, one was a feeling of having taken an action on this way of life, for the first time, and two, a quiet understanding between this God of my limited understanding and me, that I was at least trying.  

     Now before I said this prayer and took this prayer with my sponsor I had to look at what I was asking for.  What did this prayer mean to me?   This is what I came up with at that time: God, I offer myself to Thee (I was offering my service and actions, all of me, unreserved 24 hours a day to this God of my understanding, a private, personal contract) to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.(not changing what I wanted changed, but giving me unto Him to use as He saw fit) Relieve me of the bondage of self (I am tired of always being the boss, running my show) that I may better do Thy will (ouch, not so I feel better, but so I will better be able to see and do Your will) Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help (take away my difficulties, not so I have an easy life, but so that I can tell those I would help of Your love and strength) of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life (His not mine, the good I do I don’t, the Father doeth the work, I had to remember who was the boss now, and to give all the credit to where it belonged) May I do Thy will always!” (again not a fly by night deal but for the daily long haul) my job was now to C.) God could and would if He were sought.  My job now was to seek.

        It is now one of my favorite prayers, for it lets me extol the grace and love that I have found in this God of my understanding.  Under all the daily calamities, problems, ego, self righteous anger, fear and personal loathing, under all the layers of day after day crap that I had built up, this God of my understanding stood waiting, patiently, like a father does, for his child to quit playing with his broken toy, and ask for help. No scorn, ridicule, disgust, or anger, just His loving touch, as if to say welcome home, it will be alright.  The decision I made in the Third Step was, in a simple way, to take action on the rest of the steps, clearing and cleaning up the wreckage, so that I may be of use to Him, and the turning of my thoughts to how I may best be of service to those around me.  

Sponsorship

Sponsorship: The Way of Sobriety

The following is only my opinion.  As such please remember that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. (yes, kind of blunt but hey what do you expect?  It’s me) This is not up for debate; it is just my experience and my thoughts.  You are free to disagree or dislike, on the other hand, you are also free to stand and cheer, laughing .

            I truly believe that sobriety’s key is sponsorship.  As when Roland met with Ebby, and in turn Ebby met with Bill, planting a seed. That seed coming into bloom when Bill met with Bob. Meetings and the structure of AA allow sponsorship to work.  For me it boils down to one alcoholic working with another, through the steps, to find a God of their own understanding, which can do for them what they cannot do for themselves.

            Now when I got sober, I was responsible only onto me, voted the boss by me, and the only directions I took were from (who else?) me, of course.  I was an island solely onto me, myself and I. It work so well that at 27 years of age, I was a drunk, facing mandatory jail time, getting booted from the Army, broke, possibly homeless, and basically every aspect of my life was a giant mess.  So when I got ordered to the Army treatment center at Tripler Army hospital, it was time.  It was time to find this God of my understanding and to have someone hold me to being responsible for my life. 

            That is where I first started learning what sponsorship was going to be for me.  Now after little over two years of sobriety, I was at Ft Polk, Louisiana and in the course of sobriety and meetings, the Army treatment facility would ask for a member to come over and speak to their people in treatment.  I would speak, and through the course of their treatment they were required to get a sponsor. I was asked by a lot of soldiers to be their sponsor, not because I was wonderful and knowledgeable but I was the only one they knew. Ouch, that hurt the old ego, laughing, but during this time I had to look at what I was doing and what I had been asked to do when I walked in the doors.  For I did not want to cheat anyone out of what sobriety had brought to me at that time.  It is and was too special for me to deny anyone the chance of getting it.  So I sat down and wrote out what I had been told and came up with the following 12 principles.  This is not original as far as the principles, although I have expanded on what it means to me and to this day I still use it when I start sponsoring someone. (And yes, I worked it so it came to 12, being cute, so it lined up with 12 steps, 12 traditions and 12 concepts. Still little ego driven…lol)

12 Principles to Sponsorship

1.  Call me every day, call another AA member daily.

            I do this when the person is new; it got me into the habit of calling my sponsor, and also got me to reach out to other AA’s.  Also it got me to memorize my sponsor’s phone number just in case.  I have found that nothing is better than during the day just chatting with another AA. It helps me to get out of myself.

2.  Say please in the morning and thank you at night. If you have problem with a God of your own understanding than use mine.

            I have never found a member of AA who has gone back out who honestly ask God in the morning to keep them sober, or who was grateful at night for another day of sobriety. (And yes I have asked those who have gone out if they had)  If an alcoholic has a problem with God, I just suggest that they can use mine, or just ask please to whoever may be out there.  The important thing I think is just in the asking.  My God is the Father and like me, I am also a father, I could never, not give my children what they need.  I do not make them ask me, but it does make me feel good when they ask and say thank you.  So I think my God is like that, not needing, He knows what I need, but He likes it when I ask and say thank you.  For me it is just common sense and good manners.    

3.  No major life changes in a year.

            This is not some set in stone rule.  Just that when I came into recovery I had a lot of work to do on my sobriety and I have found it best that there be as little outside distraction as possible.  Also the mind of the alcoholic is coming out of sickness into health, so my decision making process was slightly screwed up. (slightly ? laughing, yeah right)

4.  Full name and Sobriety Date.

            There is no anonymity in a meeting.  I give my full name so that if the person is looking in a phone book or calling information, I can be found.  I give my sobriety date so that A) I can remember when my last drink was. B) I can remember who is responsible for my sobriety. C.)  So that people at the meeting know where in my sobriety I am.  I have heard a lot of good things from newcomers, only to find out that they were new, so that the possibility of them actually knowing what they were talking about was slim.  They were just parroting what they had heard others share. Now that’s ok, if it makes them feel more comfortable in the meeting fine, it is important to feel a part of, not apart from.  Only if the information from their share is wrong, or misguided will I say anything.

5.  90 meetings in 90 days.

            Obviously this would be very hard to do in Germany; the principle is when you’re new to the fellowship, go to as many meetings as possible. It got me when I was the newcomer into the habit of going to meetings, got me familiar with AA and comfortable with my surroundings. I learned it was not some secret society, and they did not sacrifice chickens or just sit around talking about how they miss the good old drinking days.  I found friends and people who had problems and were working out solutions on them without having to drink over them.  I found a place where I felt safe and comfortable. 

6.  Show up early, shake hands, introduce yourself to everyone, after the meeting help to clean up.

            I became a member of AA, not just someone who went to meetings.  It helped to make me feel like I belonged.  A home group should feel like home every time I go to it.  I was told to be on time, being late is disrespectful, and that it showed a lack of caring for the meeting.  I was taught to meet everyone, especially the newcomer, I would never know when an alcoholic is in a bad space and just needs someone to say hi too. It helped me and still does to feel useful and a part of something.

7.  Get your own Big Book, 12x12, etc…

            It’s my sobriety; I should have my own owner’s manual for my sobriety.  If the meeting is a Big Book or 12x12 Study, then I bring my book and study. It does me no good to sit and listen.  My God gave me a brain to use, so I should use it to its fullest. Check what is read, what actions to take etc… it is my life that is on the line, and I should have the information on hand that is going to save it.

8.  Sit at the table.

            I was taught Sobriety sits up front, and it is active.  It’s my sobriety, and I take responsibility for it. I try to be upbeat, energetic and active in my sobriety. Sobriety and Life are participation sports, no sitting on the sideline.  I have found out my God will not do for me what I can do for myself.  If I am too lazy or tired to do something, then I get the opportunity to pay the consequences for my inaction as I get the opportunity to pay the consequences for my actions.  The same goes for the benefits of my action or inaction, these are mine also.  So I need to sit up front and take action on my life.  I am responsible for doing the footwork.  I have no control over the results that is my God’s deal; I am only responsible for taking the daily actions.  Once again my God gave me a brain to use so I should use it.    

9.  Donate to the basket.

            Again, I was taught to support my sobriety, my group and AA.  It helped me and still does to feel like I belong, making me more responsible to my sobriety and giving me the feeling like I am owning up to my sobriety.  If I could afford to drink, then I can afford to support AA and sobriety.

10.  Watch profanity.

            For me God and fuck don’t live in the same house. (blunt version) When I was drinking I could swear with the best of them but now it is a good indicator of where I am spiritually.  That is pretty simple and straight forward.

11.  Meet 1hr a week and go over the Big Book.

            The Big Book is the basic text of recovery.  It is the road map for yours and my sobriety.  It is not for you or me but about you and me.  It not only gives me directions on how to get sober, but on how to live sober and handle sobriety.  So, it is a good thing, for me to learn as much about it and what it has to say, than any other book in my library.  This is mostly for the newcomer I sponsor, so that I know I am giving them what I have received, and the only way I know how is to go page by page through the first 164 pages and give them the tools that it contains.  It also gave me face to face time with my sponsor.  (or those I sponsor) It is a lot easier to lie about my actions over the phone than facing the person.

12.  Do something for someone or somebody daily, and do not get found out or tell anyone about it.

            Alcoholics are self centered to the extreme.  It was vital for me to learn to get out of myself and help others.  When I first got sober it was important for me to feel that I was of worth.  I am not bad trying to be good, I was sick trying to get healthy,  I suffered from the disease of alcoholism and now am trying to take actions to act my way into good health, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  To act my way into a new way of living. (I definitely did not come up with that line)  

           

          So these were some of the tools I was given.   I have been taught how to use many tools in my sobriety, through the course of going through the Big Book, 12X12 and other literature with my sponsors, and those I have sponsored.  But it is still up to me to use those tools.  It is my Life and my Sobriety and my God.  It is up to me to play the active role in my Life, for no one else will or should.  I get back, far more than what I put in, I have found.  My Life is as good as I let it be or as good as I live it.  That has been and is my experience.

Horseback Riding

Horseback Riding with the Youngest

     One of the by-products of sobriety, or leading a good life is the Good Life. I think it is a matter of perception, of gratitude for the things my God has put into my life as opposed to being upset or angry over things I do not do not have. Many evenings and nights I drank over what I perceived to be slights, injustices, not getting what I think I deserved and people trying to hold me down. In the process of getting sober, I had to look at and rid myself (with God’s help naturally) of this character defects. Once gone, I could see the world as it was, and realize it was a rather nice place to live in. More importantly, as my perception of the world changed and my gratitude increased I could start seeing how much my life had changed for the better and see what the important things in my life really were.

     Now I have two daughters, currently 15 and 12 yrs of age. I can remember all the good and bad times over the years. Many more good times than bad thankfully. But girls do grow up, and the little girls who used to cuddle with papa on the couch, watch TV and fall asleep next to me are now either growing into or are fine young women. I miss those days. There was something about that, my daughter cuddled next me, relaxed watching TV and falling asleep the made it feel like all was right in the world, God is in his heaven, with just a touch of Him or His grace next to me, I am pretty sure they call that serenity.

     So the other night I took my youngest daughter to her new horseback riding stable. The old one having quit giving lessons. The new one does western style and dressage. Now this always special to me because I love my daughter and I love animals and it gives me a chance for that special papa, daughter time I miss. I think animals love me because they know I pose absolutely no threat to them and also because I am on the same IQ level..lol. My daughters, both of them , take after papa in that aspect, for animals love them too.

     So there it is, a nice fall/autumn afternoon. The sun is out, the temperature a little cool, and my youngest riding in circles on horseback following the directions of her trainer. Her blonde hair tucked up under her riding helmet, a big ol smile plastered on her face, and not a fear or care in the world. I am watching her as I played with the barnyard cat, (guess she thought I was I her play toy) just full of fatherly pride and admiration.

     My God gives me plenty to be grateful for. For me it is a matter of perception and how I choose to view it. His beauty, blessings and gifts are all around me daily, my job is to look, see, acknowledge it and show my gratitude for them. I slept very well that night, knowing I had received a gift, saw it as such, acknowledged it a such and was grateful for it. Memories are sweet and wonderful and sometimes bitter sweet, for while I love my time doing this, I know also that it to may come to an end as with the cuddling on the couch. No matter how hard I try, my daughters refuse to stay at one age, and continue to grow and amaze me. Nice thing is my God is there to show me how wonderful each event can be.. thank you.....

Chapter 2??? still debating...

Chapter 2???

            I wrote this, roughly a month before I took my girls Christmas shopping, but I thought it interesting enough so with a little polish I present my thoughts at Christmas 2007.

Christmas Day 2007

            Well, I first want to say to all of you, thank you, for being my angels this year and for your prayers and kind thoughts. As most of you know I keep toying with the idea of writing a book.  A kind of this is my life, here are my mistakes, please learn from them so you do not have to suffer the  pain I went through, but then I realized that the ones reading this would probably be to smart to get themselves into the messes I have…so such is life.  I never claimed to be a genius and my life has done a pretty good job of showing in stark detail that few would claim I am. 

            But this is Christmas, and those of you who know me, know how much I love this time of year.  I mean really, who else do you know who whistles Christmas tunes in July? This Christmas, I was hard pressed to think of a gift for those who have shown me such love throughout the past year. Dying or almost dying in April has done a good job of messing with me, getting use to having a pretty weird left hand, I can type, hit most of the right keys, just can’t feel my hand as I do it.  I can button my shirt but cannot feel the button hole.  So getting use to my current limitations has been hard.  Not being able to feel my daughters hand in my left hand has sucked, no lying there, but with God’s grace I hope it will get better.  I still have a left hand, I can walk, and I can talk, and I don’t drool, so really life is good.   

            Now what has any of this do with giving you a gift?  Well, this is Christmas, and this is a day for the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, kind of a giant birthday bash. So what I was thinking was I would give you a gift that was given to me.  Every morning as I do my daily reflections, you know that sober thingy, I read a place card given to me.  It is entitled “One Life”, don’t know the author is but I like it, for it cuts down to the bare bones a single, very, important life, and care to guess whose? 

One Life

He was born in a stable,

In an obscure village,

the child of a peasant woman.

From there He traveled,

Less than 200 miles.

He never wrote a book.

He never held an office.

He did none of the things one

usually associates with greatness.

He became a nomadic preacher,

Popular opinion turned against Him,

He was betrayed by a close friend,

And His other friends ran away.

He was unjustly condemned to death,

Crucified on a cross among common thieves,

On a hill overlooking the town dump,

And when dead, laid in a borrowed grave.

Nineteen centuries have come and gone,

Empires have risen and fallen,

Mighty armies have marched,

And powerful rulers have reigned.

Yet no one has affected men as much as He,

He is the central figure of the human race,

He is the Messiah, the Son of God,

JESUS CHRIST. 

            I have had this for around ten years, and the humbleness of it always strikes me.  We have all read or heard rag to riches stories, where someone born in poverty makes it big, example Marilyn Monroe, someone who had nothing, makes it to stardom, and has everything one could want.   It makes good press, but someone who had nothing, died with nothing, had to borrow a grave to bury him in, and yet everyone knows his name?  Does that make sense?  He never wrote a book, a paragraph or a single sentence, but has had volumes written about his actions and what he is reported to have said.  He wasn’t a world traveler or explorer, just wandered around, and yet is known in all four corners of the world, pretty impressive if you ask me.  What I really like about “One Life” is the simple statement of fact.  If you’re a Christian or not, a believer or not, a church going person or not, if you have different beliefs, that is your right, but in reading “One Life” one can see where humility and humbleness can take one. 

            I have had times of great fear in my life, when I got sober and had to face the law and the judge for my actions.  When I got orders to be a Drill Sergeant and wondered if I was good enough.  When I was being deployed to Bosnia and then to Kosovo, the fear of the unknown.  When I asked Kerstin (my ex-wife now) to marry me and wondered if I was a good enough man for her.  When I thought Kerstin might lose Meyra, our youngest daughter, due to bleeding, a great fear descended on my soul, that same fear when Kerstin called me and told me she had cancer, a very black night indeed.  The same type of fear when Kerstin and I talked about how our marriage was no longer working, and perhaps it was in the best interest of us all to quit living that lie. Through all those times I have reflected on the humbleness of ”One Life”  and prayed for the peace that comes from the knowledge of such inner serenity and what actions I needed to take to be of use.

            When my dad died, it seemed heaven got to be a place of interest to me.  When my oldest brother Bob, died and then when my next oldest brother Dennis past away, heaven did not seem like a bad place to live.  When I had the car accident in April this year, seemed like it was time for me to move residence, laughing, but that did not happen and I am still among you all.  But a funny thing, dying didn’t scare me, not then and not now after the accident.  It occurred to me one day, when back from the hospital, that the people I love all know that I love them, and I know that they love me.   That is not as bad thing to come to realize.  I don’t actively hate anyone.  No one is under my skin all day and night or living in my thoughts 24 hours a day.  I think that is a really good thing and lastly there was no burning amends to make on my part, I was as free from my past as I think humanly possible.  So dying did not scare me for I knew that people I love wait for me there, and that those I love here will eventually meet me there. That came partially from “One Life” when I think of how He died alone, and yet He knew He was going to see His Father.

            Weird as it may seem I have never feared for my health, kind of like not worrying about my sobriety.  Always figured my sobriety is my God’s and my sponsor’s job, my job is to be honest with them, and do what they tell me too.  Health, that’s God’s job (in my book) my job is to be honest with him and be smart (as much as possible) with what I have.  But I am wandering from the topic, when I have had great fear, you know, that big dark parallelizing type, I have not been shy about hitting my knees, thanking Him for his blessings and for what he has shown me in my life and to ask Him how I can be of service. For when I read “One Life” I think of what fear must He have had, but also how true to Himself, He must have been.      

            Chuck C once talked about ego, and in saying roughly “the only thing separating him from others or him from his God was his ego” Now, I have a healthy ego, those of you who know me, understand that.  But in my understanding there is nothing wrong in a healthy ego, if it is held in check with an honest understanding of who is in charge.  I know who is in charge and I know who supplies me with the serenity to meet the insanity my brain and my emotions produce when faced with calamity.  Sometimes it is hard to get past my ego to get to Him, but it is amazing how fear and pain will motivate me. I am such a wimp.  But here “One Life” really comes into play for me in that He was without ego, for that I think is the definition of humility, doing God’s work, i.e. helping others , just for the sake of doing it, not for the pat on the back.  Just for the pure satisfaction of trying to please Him is enough…………………………………………………………….

Now it has been almost four years since I wrote Christmas Day 2007, and I like to reread my thoughts and see if they hold true.  It nice to be able to report, that my thoughts on “One Life” are still the same.  I still read it daily and ponder it’s many meanings to me.