Freedom to Do

The Freedom of Freedom

     The funny thing about sobriety is that I am free to do whatever I want. Sobriety offers me the ultimate freedom, that being of choice. I am free to do anything as long as I am willing to pay the price for my actions or inaction’s. I can stay sober or I can get drunk, (not a real choice but you see what I mean) to live a good life or be a liar, a cheat and a thief. To believe as I choose to believe. Do do it all one way or another or somewhere in between. When I think of it, it really is kind of awesome, total freedom, and a little frightening also.

     

     So why freedom? Well I am getting close, as in the next year or year and a half of having to make some major life changes. The type of changes where a year is not much time. The problem I am faced with is: I do not know what I want. I have been praying and asking for guidance from Poppa upstairs, and from friends, but really, I can do whatever I want to do. That is the root of the problem. What do I want?

 

      In another two years the garrison where I work in Germany will be closed. I will be 53 yrs old. The prospect of moving somewhere in Germany just to work is slim. My daughters will both be getting ready to or will be out of their mother's house by then and most likely in college. I enjoy Germany but do not have any close ties, excepting my daughters. For me financially, I will be doubly retired, with two plus checks coming in. Child support will be mostly over. (I have daughters, so I know will always be paying, gladly paying them) But the idea of living in Germany, while my daughters are out and about living their lives, does not make much sense to me. They are or will have reached the age of spreading their wings and being fine young women, so the active, poppa, father role time will be moving to the advice and love stage of fatherhood.

     That being the crux of the dilemma. I will only be 53, far to young to pick out a rocker and a porch. Where do I want to go and what do I want to do? I ask my Father, where I would be of most use? Where can I be of help? I have the feeling he is enjoying my struggle. For this is a by-product of sobriety, good living, and doing the right thing. This freedom of choice. This, I can do what I want.

     My God knows I am struggling, and I am sure in the right time (His, not mine) he will let me know. I know I want to put down some roots. It seems every ten or so years of my life I have been moving, or facing a life change so I know I would like to have a base of operations I can call home. I know I will be visiting Germany a couple times a year. I miss my daughters daily now even when I can see or talk to them daily. I hate to think about not being there, but I know it is the right thing. 

more to follow, this is the writing to clear the mind sort of thing.

finish to Rite of Passage.

That really is the how and why of it. It seems Life just keeps putting in little pop quizzes and how I answer them is where I am at on its bar graph. The odd thing about it all is that I may not know about the quiz at the time of it, nor will I know if I answered correctly till some time down the road.

It is like setting up a long line of dominoes, and I never know if they are going to fall true until I put them in motion. As the chain falls, it suddenly stops, one domino is out of place, so I have to take the time to put it in place and then let the chain begin again.

That is how my Life is. The out of place domino is a quiz question I answered incorrectly, or a passage I should have turned right on but turned left instead. So I have to go back and redo it, hopefully learning from it, so that the rest of the dominoes will fall in order or in other words, my life will run smoothly.

As with Life, I seem to learn more from my mistakes than from the things I do correctly the first time. I am grateful to my God for allowing me this perception. I seem to have made many mistakes in my past and I am bound to make more in the future, but in knowing that I am not doing it on purpose, or with intent, allows me to continue to live an open life, one lacking in the fear to take a risk and see. Having this faith in my God gives me the opportunity to expand my life and thinking. To grow in life as I think is His desire for all His children.

As a father, I want my children to experience Life. I know sometimes there will be scraped knees and hurt feelings. That being the price of living, growing and loving. Hopefully I am there to sooth the pain and help them make sense of it, just as He does with me.

Funny how being a father crossed one of those milestones without my knowledge of it. That line that Life must have thought my capable of living, and the God of my understanding knew I was ready accept. 

As always thoughts and comments are welcomed..  

Starting new, enjoy...

OK well the first book is finally out and can be found on amazon... either in trade paperback or in eBook. i can say its done because i feel like writing again.  Thing i noticed was when i was working on that, did not want to read (bummer) or to write anything new.  So all that being said, new material will follow in the coming weeks, months. As always suggestions and comments are appreciated.