My look at Heaven

 

Looking at Heaven

      Many times in life, I have marveled at the blessings I have been given. I write and talk a lot about perception and how sobriety has brought a change in my perception. The appreciation of what I have versus what I want. It seems as I get older, I am coming to realize that what I want, I already have. The important things like God, Family, and Love, not the transitory things like money, possessions, and such.

      I was over to visit my daughters yesterday, and as seems to be the case, whenever I am not looking, it hits me. I am a very lucky man. My girls were in the living room, the oldest on her laptop and the youngest laying on the couch. Both back from a day at school, relaxing, comfortable, safe and at peace. What more could I ever ask for?

      I look and I watch and am just amazed. How did this happen where I have two such wonderful girls? When I look at my girls, I see them as they are today, teenagers growing into fine young women. But I also see them as they were, remembering when they were in diapers, walking with them to their first day of school, and driving them to belly dancing class. I remember, in Colorado, taking Tabea to the circus, and picking Meyra up from her daycare. Special daughter, poppa time.

      Whenever I wonder what heaven must be like, I remember the feeling of holding them in my arms when they were babies and watching them sleep. That feeling of love, warmth and all is right in my world. I remember the feeling I felt, that fatherly pride, as Tabea, my eldest, walked into her prom. She was no longer Poppa's little girl, although in my heart she will always be, she is a young woman. During the course of evening, there was the traditional father and daughter dance. That was a bitter sweet moment, almost a precursor to the father giving the daughter away at her wedding. I know that time will come, this was the just warm up, a glimpse into the future. I am pretty sure that I will be just as proud then and just as heart broken.

      Every Thursday I get the opportunity to visit a little slice of heaven. I get to take my youngest daughter horseback riding. Seeing her smile as she gallops on her horse is almost a direct link between my heart and heaven. I may be a sentimental old fool, but seeing someone I love, enjoying what they are doing, oblivious to the world around them, care free for that instant in time, is just that, sentimental and precious. A respite in time, a glimpse into what I feel is God's love for all his children.

      Big beautiful horses and God's kids playing under the sun, enjoying the, and living in, the moment. When I wish I could freeze time this is what I mean. But this is what memories are for. God's little Polaroid moment forever lock in my memory of how good life can be and what heaven must surely be like.

more on Heaven, God and belief to follow.. thanks.

So Sweet the Sorrow

  So Sweet the Sorrow

A matter of perception.

      The sun rising over the trees, glistening off our spit shined boots. The dewy grass forming a light low fog. The peace and serenity of the cemetery enfolds us. We stand on a slight rise, overlooking the freshly dug grave as the widow is driven in, followed by the slow moving hearse. The funeral director gingerly guides the elderly lady dressed in mourning black, to the folding chair that awaits. The men by the rear of the hearse, dressed in formal uniforms wait, as one opens the rear door, and in unison, they step. Offloading the flag draped coffin, with precision and care, they turn and march it to the holding stand that awaits. The wife watches in silence as the men march it into place. The sun shining on a cloudless morning as I hear the words, ready, aim, fire, and with a crack in unison the rifles fire their first volley. The lady jerks,startled by the load sound echoing in the empty cemetery. Crack, the second volley, crack, the third, followed by the soulful sound of the bugler as he starts to render Taps. The sound too much for her, her composure breaks and I hear the wails and sobs of pent up emotions flow out. A loved one saying goodbye.  The men fold the flag, a sea of blue, with only white stars showing, folded into its triangle shape, handed to the officer in charge.  He turns, presenting it to the widow, salutes, and I hear the words “On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Army and a grateful nation......as we march quietly off to the side, the rendering of honors to a fallen comrade, complete.
      Before she left that morning, she thanked us for the service and for being there. Saying how much it would have meant to her husband and how much it meant to her the he was remembered for his service.
 I like to write about sobriety and the change in perception it has brought about. I like to write about the happy and good times but there are times when I look at the sweet sorrowful times and realize  how important they are to me.  My God has given me many wonderful times, and as equally times filled with tears and sorrow.
      In the 22 plus years I served in the Army I have had the opportunity and privilege of working with many fine fine individuals and of doing some things that made me appreciate the life I was leading. From being a private on guard or doing recons on the DMZ to waiting on the flight line to deploy. From training troops as a Drill Sergeant to helping soldiers as their First Sergeant, I even brokered a marriage, sort of. I have deployed to various regions and been around the world, all of which made me proud to serve and grateful to my God for seeing and remembering those people and experiences. Of all those experiences the one that holds me in gratitude the most was being part of funeral details.  Either as the NCO of the rifle squad, or as a member or in the flag detail, it always made me feel a part of a very large family.  It was always gratifying to me, to be able to help render honors to a fallen brother in arms and to help the family say good bye to their loved one.
      Funerals are never a “fun” thing to do. I have never left one feeling happy or glad. But I am grateful to my God for letting me be a part of them, especially military funerals.  The military funeral  ceremony itself, with its grace and precision and its overall simplistic beauty has always held me in awe.
      Saying goodbye is hard and emotional. I am grateful that with a military funeral, the deceased veteran and family, have a military presence recognizing the contributions and sacrifices that their loved one made for this country. That their loved one, be it father ,mother, sister, brother, whatever, was also a member of the military family and we recognize, acknowledge and render honor unto our fallen comrade.
      Love, hate, happy, sad, joyful or sorrowful, they are emotions that today I am grateful to my God for letting me experience. I cannot appreciate one without the other. So it is a sweet sorrow, the sense of missing and lost combined with the sense of gratitude and joy knowing they rest in the love of their family, and in my God's peaceful presence.
      As with Life, always a process of adjusting my perception from what I see through my eyes to what I see through my eyes and heart. Of watching the world change not through some big miracle, but through the action taken on a kind thought. His gift to me.