Mortality

Mortality: no one gets out alive.

      Funny thing about Life, it comes with an expiration date. Unfortunately, when I was born, the nurse accidentally smeared mine when she was cleaning me off so I cannot read it. Every time I try and ask what it is, all I get met with is laughter. As in to live in the moment type thing and enjoy the now, for that is what is important, that is all I truly have. 

     One of the things that always gets to me, is to see someone dying who has never really lived. They seem to have gone through their whole life just being there, not having enjoyed or grown or discovered the good in life. Like every day is just another gray day of existence. Day after day of just being here without a clue as to what “being here” is really about. They seem to be the ones who walk through life with their head down looking at the ground. They never look up and see the sun shine or the children playing. As if life was just a process one goes through in order to get to heaven. It is just like putting in your time till retirement can kick in.

      If anyone, ever, hears me say, that my best days are behind me, please start throwing the dirt on the coffin. I have had some pretty great days in the past. They are the measuring stick for the great days I am having now. Sometimes they don't match up and sometimes they surpass the good old days. It is a joy and a gift from my God, that today I have good old days. I also have good new days, and with that the ability to look forward to the future good days.

      Life is a good thing. God did not give me this life to sit around waiting for it to pass. Every day I wake up and thank my God for this day he has given me and I ask Him to show me and to let me be of use to His other kids. I, then, go about my day doing exactly that. I try to be of use. I try to give a helping hand where it is needed, be it with my family, at work, home or with another drunk. I feel that my job in life to be of use to my fellows. Who and how I help someone is not my business, that is my God's, my job is to be ready and to keeps my eyes open searching. It is not a do-goody type thing. It is not a look how wonderful I am thing or a aren’t I a wonderful person thing. No, it is a I am a child of my God, and this is what I am suppose to do thing.

      I get an immense sense of joy from helping others. A sense of satisfaction of using my time wisely and in proper measure as to filling my life with a sense of worth. That is another one of my God's gifts to me. The feeling of being clean inside and out. I think sometimes it drives my girls crazy and they wonder if I am strange because here I am an American in Germany and it seems like I know everyone, or that I have lots and lots of friends. But that is how I live, an open life. I have no secrets, for I found out in sobriety I am only as sick as my secrets. If I don't want to be sick or worry what someone will find out about me, it is best then to be totally open about who I am and what I do. The funny thing about that, is when I am living this way, no one really seems to care what I am doing, they are more concerned with what is going on in their lives than to look at mine.

      These are lessons that have come to me over time and in reflections on my life. This is my God's way of teaching me and letting me learn. I have come to realize in a way that when I was born my clock started counting down. Eventually it will strike zero and when it does my time will be up. The only thing is, I do not know when it will strike zero. As in the beginning of this chapter, it is a way to kind of force me to enjoy the time I have and appreciate the life going on around me.

      I have many things I look forward to. From walking my daughters down the aisle to bouncing grandchildren on my knees and taking them down to have ice cream and tell them all the embarrassing stuff their parents did to helping out more of my God's kids to hopefully live a full life. Every day brings to me something new I look forward to, want to do, or do, all of it filling my life up and filling me with appreciation and gratitude.

      When my clock strikes zero and my time is done, I want a big, big, big party. A BBQ to end all BBQ's that will be talked about in my great grand children time. I do not want to see one sad face in the lot. I plan on living a long life. I am living and have lived a full life, full of both laughter and tears, with no real regrets and no “I wish I had”. This is my God's gift to me. To be able to see that my life has been full, to see the love of my family, and quality of my friendships and that I have to the best of my ability been of service to my God and to my fellows.

      I have a little bit crude joke I like : “when I was born a stranger slapped me on the ass and made me cry, when I die, a stranger is going to throw dirt in my face, everything in between is just gravy”. For me that frees me, it is one of the benefits of sobriety. I no longer worry about leaving my mark on the world, or who will miss me when I am gone, or what have I accomplished in my life. None of that, is my business any longer, and none of it means a damn. What is important to me is that the people I love, know that I love them, and I know that they love me. My God loves me and I love my God. All the rest of it in is just BS and I need to remember that in my day to day living. For that keeps me in the here and now, and real to those around me. Anything else besides love is just my ego.