Coming Soon: The Sheppard's Path

hi all, well no i have not stopped posting although it may seem that way.  coming soon, something i call "The Sheppard's Path" and yes it is along a Dirt Road ..lol... will also be on Facebook. look up Traveling Down the Dirt Road on Facebook for other stuff.

Light into darkness, understanding dawns.

written before my move back to the US

Sometimes bringing light into the dark.

     I have been praying for an answer to a question as my life gets ready to move into another phase of my development. I have been asking “of where can I be of most use?”

     As my life here in Germany ends, I am pretty much free to go and do whatever I choose to do. I will always be a father, and I look forward to the visiting and visits but the need for me to be here is slowly ending as my daughters grow.

      So, what do I do? I can pretty much live anywhere I want. While not financially rich or anything, I do not have to search for a way to make a living. So this is freedom? I needed some guidance as to “huh now what?

      The more I have prayed, the more and more this answer keeps coming up. Be of help. Be an example of my love and give a hand where needed. Not exactly clear cut instructions. Not go down a block and take a left. Leaves a lot to be inferred and up for interpretation.

     So I asked for guidance, and more guidance. When I was drinking I had some dark times. Not exactly my favorite thing to look back on. I barely lived through it the first time, why relive it looking for answers? I honestly keep coming up with God’s love.

     When I drank, I wanted, needed someone’s approval of me. I turned to looking for a sexual answer. I figured in my drunken state that if they, (whoever they happened to be) thought I was good enough then I must be okay. Drinking filled up 99 percent of the hole in me but the center was still crying alone. This desire and drive to be whole, this need for validation of who I was, led me to many, many stupid, self harming decisions.

     From A to Z if you can think it, I most likely did it, looking for something to fill the spot in my soul that screamed when I was alone. This was thankfully, before the internet, so I was limited to what was at hand with which to satisfy the urge to be filled. I am not going into specifics, but needless to say I did not find what I was looking for there anymore that I found in the bottle.

     Then came sobriety and that filled the hole in a good way. But as with life, it keeps going on and it was easy to lose sight of the past. The internet came in to its own, and I got married, and as it got bad in the marriage I started looking again. On the internet I found chat rooms. I started chatting with all sorts. Good, bad, young and old, they all seemed to be looking for something. Usually sex, and I thought, wondered, would that fill the hole in my soul?

     Now it’s only chatting right? I was only thinking about it and not taking any action on it. Just chatting, trying to get some relief from this self imposed loneliness. I have said many, many, times I could rationalize, justify anything into being right in my mind. But in my heart and soul I knew I was wrong.

     The more I looked, the more I was saddened. For the answer flared up in me bright and strong, that this was stupid, harmful and just not right. It was like being a broke child in a candy store. It served no purpose and was of no use and did not belong in my life.

     Now God’s love is a funny thing. Here I was condemning myself for being stupid, and he just whispered in my soul, that being human means learning from your mistakes and that his love for me was as strong as ever. Being a father I know that, I would do anything to keep my children from harm, but that some lessons in life one must live though in order to get perspective, grow, and learn from.

     I knew his love for me was still there from the way my life was. But in reflection, it added a thought to my thinking. How alone must those people on the net feel? What has shaped their lives this way? Why are so many looking for something when the answer lies within?

     I quit the chat rooms as my life got busier and busier. I was too busy being a father and working to play stupid games. My life had filled with the proper purpose and I was trying to live up to my end of the bargain. So that all kind of fell into the memory department as something for a later day.

     The thought came to me a couple months ago, that I should look once again into this. I was not looking to fill anything missing in my life this time. I was instead looking to see if my initial perceptions were right.  If the sadness and loneliness was as real as I remembered.  

     I looked and found that same thing. While some were just the normal chat type rooms, on cooking, or cars or sports. In every room there was a sexual component in it. Always someone trying to find someone to fill a need in them. In the adult chat rooms it was even worse. It seemed to be a matter of how strange can one be, how off the path must one get in order to get the attention they want. I sat back, thought, contemplated, prayed and rolled this over and over in my mind. Why? Why were people doing this? What where they looking for? What answers were they seeking? What was missing in their life that made them look so deep into the darkness?

     I have heard it said and read it, that in each of us is the fundamental belief in God. Though it may be covered up by experiences in life, ego, pride and disbelief, it is still there waiting patiently to be found. Once found, life truly begins. Once I found it, it created a hunger for me to learn more of this God of my understanding. But until it was found I had the sense of separation, that something was missing.

     I have that inside feeling, that gut feeling, that this is what those on the net who are searching are looking for. That they are looking outside themselves to fill a hole that can only be filled from within. How to get someone from point A to point B?

More to come...................

Back in the USA

So I am back in the USA, freezing in Minnesota, with more posts to follow. Love and Laughter folks, love and laughter.

Ah spring, OK more is coming: a letter

Dear Friends,
     I realize I have not been posting much lately, truth be told, it's spring.  I am currently finishing the last two chapters of my second book, procrastination has been kicking my back side. And in the next week there should be some posts on what I consider to be fundemental to a long lasting sobriety.
The four types of sobriety, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. A key as to why I think some people never seem to grasp this way of life and you see so much heartbreak as a result.  It is realatively simple but until one knows, one doesn't know and is bound due to lack of knowledge and understanding, to make mistakes. But just knowing is not enough, one has to believe and take action for it to be effective.
     So in the next couple of days, I will be posting on all four and my experiences and belief brought about by my actions.

Love and Laughter

Larry

Second Book is coming, hopefully sooner than later

Hello all,
     Well my next book will be coming soon, I hope.  The first one just flowed out, this second one is more a slow drip from a clogged coffee maker. It seems I get on a roll and then poof, I am lost out at sea, drifting from subject to subject.  But since it only took 51 years to do the first one, I should cut myself a little slack I guess. I will be looking for some proof readers and reviewers if anyone is interested, please let me know.
     Like the first one it is non fiction, a continuation of the first sort of. I told myself I would not start the third book, a fiction type, till the second was done and over with.  Oh well, guess what?  I lied to myself, and have already started the third, Premise is basically, a guy stuck between the eternal battle between good and evil. He and his companions fall into the grey area, and work to balance the scales between good and evil. Again will be looking for some to proof the first story, so any takers?

thanks all.
God Bless
With Love and Laughter
Larry

final version of Death Farewells Goodbyes

final version, revision of:

Death, Farewells, Goodbyes

     Love is a quirky thing. One of my definitions being: missing their physical presence in my life. So if I miss someone then chance’s are that I love them. This is especially true when someone passes away. It is easy to forget how much I love someone when they are just down the street or a phone call away. To make excuses as to being to busy or rushed today to take the time, right now, for them. It is not uncommon for me, but I realized when people I loved had passed away how much I would give just to have one more chance to chat and have coffee.

     When my Dad moved on, it was quick. I was a drill sergeant at the time when I got word of his passing. The army was very good at getting me the time to go home and do the necessary things, but the one big loss I had felt at the time and still do, is just the having of a little one on one time, to have a cup of coffee with him, and get caught up on life. No major questions needing answered or help needed, just miss him is all and probably more than enough.

     My Dad has always fascinated me. Here was a man from a small northern Minnesota town whose upbringing was by no means nice or pleasant. He served in WWII, Korea, Vietnam for two tours, Ethiopia for years, married, raised a family of four, and retired from the Army in 1969, during the height of racial tensions. I always think of the things I could have learned from him in adulthood.

     I don't think a man really comes into adulthood or manhood till his father passes on. I know with me it was that way. Even though I had been sober since I was 28, was successful in the Army when my Dad passed when I was 32, I still feel like a part of me was in childhood till I was without my Dad to fall back on.

I often compare fatherhood to being an oak tree and until my father was gone and that giant oak was cut down, I did not have to let my roots and branches grow out. As long as he was around to lean and rest against I did not have to grow fully into myself.

     One of the great joys I have had in life was in watching my Dad grow up. As the youngest son I had it perhaps the easiest of it. My brothers from what I could garner had it a lot rougher than me, for my Dad did not have a good father role model growing up. More of the, this is what you shouldn't be as opposed to, this is what you should strive to be. By the time I came around and was growing up, I think he started to realize it was okay to be himself around children. I know when his grandson was born, he had a different out look on children totally from when I was a child.

     That is one of the benefits of sobriety for me. I use to take a mental picture of the person and froze them in time to how that picture was. I never gave them the chance to be a living breathing human being, making mistakes, growing up, changing for the better or for the worse. They could only behave according to how that mental image I had of them was. That is how I expected them to be and if they acted differently than that, than I could not figure it out. In sobriety I have learned to accept the people in my life for who and how they are at this point in their lives.

     After my brother Bob passed away, it was a feeling of what a waste. I felt here was a guy, my brother, who I just wish I could have shook some sense into. A man who had so much love in his life, but was so deep in the pit that his drinking had dug that he was blind to the path where the sun waited to warm his soul. Being sober myself, I knew the solution, but could not get my brother to see. I know what it is like to not be able to see until I am ready to see. I also know, that sobriety is something you have to want. I have met many who need it, but it is those that want it, that have a chance. I just sometimes forget that when I am dealing with someone I love. I would like to make it easier for them but I know that does not work.

     With my brother Dennis's passing, I felt like I was at the funeral of a man I never really knew. He had been out of my and my families life for close to if not more than twenty years. So in reality, I really did not know him, and that to me was a shame. When I was helping to clear out his stuff from the house, I was coming across items that I would like to have talked to my brother about. I can remember talking with him and it seemed every thing was just surface conversation and not anything of depth. I know he must have had some issues in his life and I would have liked to talk to him about those. I can honestly say I was never able to really figure out what made him tick and that was my loss. It is sad to have a brother I did not know well.

     Lastly, as far as family goes, my mother. This one, for me, is hard. Not only my mother but also my best friend and when she was gone, there was a hole in me where she use to be. With both my mother and father, my mom and dad, they both left holes that I do not think will ever be filled. But I have to think that, that is the way of it. Having holes not filled reminds me of what is missing.

     With family and loved ones, I think that is a matter of love. That with each one, parent, sibling, spouse, or child, that in my soul I have a place of love with their name engraved on. A part of my soul designated to each one, and when they are gone the love remains, but the soul aches for the physical contact with each one. Be it their voice, email, letter, or visit, I miss the contact with them. The love remains, honest true God given love cannot leave or go, but even with the love there, it is like any living thing, without the sunlight to brighten and give it strength then it just is.

     When my mom moved to the upstairs house, I was actually happy to see her go. It was actually well past time for her to have moved on. She was just stubbornly holding on to see that first great grandchild. Finally I think, she just said to hell with it, if I can't meet the little one here, I will meet her upstairs. I am sure that she gave the first future de-facto Jackson a long talking too, filling her with the in's and out's of her future family. I am quite sure that her parents will see an awful lot of their grandmother in her as she grows up.

     When she moved on, it was a matter of there being more people up there than down here she wanted to see. I like to think that her Father decided it was time to bring another faithful servant home to rest. From up there she knows she can keep her eyes on us down here and laugh at our foolish attempts to get Life right.

     From my Mom I got the value of “home”. It is not just a house you live in, but a place where you feel warm to the soul. I use to like coming home. It was where I felt at peace and where I could rest. A place where, when life had battered and bruised me, I could regroup and heal.

     I find it interesting that when I look back, I can see the places that had that feeling of home. My Grandparents house was one that whenever I walked in, it felt comfortable and restive. The home where I grew up was another. It seems that I can feel sometimes when walking into a house if it is a home or just someplace where a family lives. Whether it has a level of serenity and peace or a place of strife and quiet nervousness.

     Have you ever walked into a church and it was empty? That feeling of there is no harsh word spoken here. There is no anger allowed. This a place of restive contemplation and healing. A place where the price of peace has been paid and this is the reward.

     I take it as a compliment to my Mom and Dad when I have people over to my house. I think they sense this is place where no conflict lives. No controversy, no anger, no harsh words or strife, but a place where one can go: Ahhhhh and relax. Where the coffee is the only thing that is hot. The house where I live, is a home. It is where I am at peace and where serenity lives.

     Now there have been arguments and disagreements where I live. That is life, but the underlying foundation is one of peace and that permeates the surroundings and keeps everything in check. A balance of sorts to life. It is like sobriety. Every day is another sheet of paper laid onto the stack, secured by the glue of prayer and desire to be of use to my God. Soon it is a wall, eventually a home with a front door allowing me to enter and leave. It allows others to enter and to feel the peace that has been built by the love of my God.

     It is also a good and useful tool for me. For whenever I feel out of sorts, or like something is nagging at me when I am at home, it is a good sign that I need to look and see what is going on in my life. What is bring stress and discord into my home. A sort of living barometer of sorts.

     My Mom's house and my Dad's garage, this is what I remember and the feeling I got when I was in them. This is one of the gifts they gave me by living they way they did. They showed me by example not by words, that life needs a place to be centered in and build around and it is called “home”. 

Mortality

Mortality: no one gets out alive.

      Funny thing about Life, it comes with an expiration date. Unfortunately, when I was born, the nurse accidentally smeared mine when she was cleaning me off so I cannot read it. Every time I try and ask what it is, all I get met with is laughter. As in to live in the moment type thing and enjoy the now, for that is what is important, that is all I truly have. 

     One of the things that always gets to me, is to see someone dying who has never really lived. They seem to have gone through their whole life just being there, not having enjoyed or grown or discovered the good in life. Like every day is just another gray day of existence. Day after day of just being here without a clue as to what “being here” is really about. They seem to be the ones who walk through life with their head down looking at the ground. They never look up and see the sun shine or the children playing. As if life was just a process one goes through in order to get to heaven. It is just like putting in your time till retirement can kick in.

      If anyone, ever, hears me say, that my best days are behind me, please start throwing the dirt on the coffin. I have had some pretty great days in the past. They are the measuring stick for the great days I am having now. Sometimes they don't match up and sometimes they surpass the good old days. It is a joy and a gift from my God, that today I have good old days. I also have good new days, and with that the ability to look forward to the future good days.

      Life is a good thing. God did not give me this life to sit around waiting for it to pass. Every day I wake up and thank my God for this day he has given me and I ask Him to show me and to let me be of use to His other kids. I, then, go about my day doing exactly that. I try to be of use. I try to give a helping hand where it is needed, be it with my family, at work, home or with another drunk. I feel that my job in life to be of use to my fellows. Who and how I help someone is not my business, that is my God's, my job is to be ready and to keeps my eyes open searching. It is not a do-goody type thing. It is not a look how wonderful I am thing or a aren’t I a wonderful person thing. No, it is a I am a child of my God, and this is what I am suppose to do thing.

      I get an immense sense of joy from helping others. A sense of satisfaction of using my time wisely and in proper measure as to filling my life with a sense of worth. That is another one of my God's gifts to me. The feeling of being clean inside and out. I think sometimes it drives my girls crazy and they wonder if I am strange because here I am an American in Germany and it seems like I know everyone, or that I have lots and lots of friends. But that is how I live, an open life. I have no secrets, for I found out in sobriety I am only as sick as my secrets. If I don't want to be sick or worry what someone will find out about me, it is best then to be totally open about who I am and what I do. The funny thing about that, is when I am living this way, no one really seems to care what I am doing, they are more concerned with what is going on in their lives than to look at mine.

      These are lessons that have come to me over time and in reflections on my life. This is my God's way of teaching me and letting me learn. I have come to realize in a way that when I was born my clock started counting down. Eventually it will strike zero and when it does my time will be up. The only thing is, I do not know when it will strike zero. As in the beginning of this chapter, it is a way to kind of force me to enjoy the time I have and appreciate the life going on around me.

      I have many things I look forward to. From walking my daughters down the aisle to bouncing grandchildren on my knees and taking them down to have ice cream and tell them all the embarrassing stuff their parents did to helping out more of my God's kids to hopefully live a full life. Every day brings to me something new I look forward to, want to do, or do, all of it filling my life up and filling me with appreciation and gratitude.

      When my clock strikes zero and my time is done, I want a big, big, big party. A BBQ to end all BBQ's that will be talked about in my great grand children time. I do not want to see one sad face in the lot. I plan on living a long life. I am living and have lived a full life, full of both laughter and tears, with no real regrets and no “I wish I had”. This is my God's gift to me. To be able to see that my life has been full, to see the love of my family, and quality of my friendships and that I have to the best of my ability been of service to my God and to my fellows.

      I have a little bit crude joke I like : “when I was born a stranger slapped me on the ass and made me cry, when I die, a stranger is going to throw dirt in my face, everything in between is just gravy”. For me that frees me, it is one of the benefits of sobriety. I no longer worry about leaving my mark on the world, or who will miss me when I am gone, or what have I accomplished in my life. None of that, is my business any longer, and none of it means a damn. What is important to me is that the people I love, know that I love them, and I know that they love me. My God loves me and I love my God. All the rest of it in is just BS and I need to remember that in my day to day living. For that keeps me in the here and now, and real to those around me. Anything else besides love is just my ego.