Mortality

Mortality: no one gets out alive.

      Funny thing about Life, it comes with an expiration date. Unfortunately, when I was born, the nurse accidentally smeared mine when she was cleaning me off so I cannot read it. Every time I try and ask what it is, all I get met with is laughter. As in to live in the moment type thing and enjoy the now, for that is what is important, that is all I truly have. 

     One of the things that always gets to me, is to see someone dying who has never really lived. They seem to have gone through their whole life just being there, not having enjoyed or grown or discovered the good in life. Like every day is just another gray day of existence. Day after day of just being here without a clue as to what “being here” is really about. They seem to be the ones who walk through life with their head down looking at the ground. They never look up and see the sun shine or the children playing. As if life was just a process one goes through in order to get to heaven. It is just like putting in your time till retirement can kick in.

      If anyone, ever, hears me say, that my best days are behind me, please start throwing the dirt on the coffin. I have had some pretty great days in the past. They are the measuring stick for the great days I am having now. Sometimes they don't match up and sometimes they surpass the good old days. It is a joy and a gift from my God, that today I have good old days. I also have good new days, and with that the ability to look forward to the future good days.

      Life is a good thing. God did not give me this life to sit around waiting for it to pass. Every day I wake up and thank my God for this day he has given me and I ask Him to show me and to let me be of use to His other kids. I, then, go about my day doing exactly that. I try to be of use. I try to give a helping hand where it is needed, be it with my family, at work, home or with another drunk. I feel that my job in life to be of use to my fellows. Who and how I help someone is not my business, that is my God's, my job is to be ready and to keeps my eyes open searching. It is not a do-goody type thing. It is not a look how wonderful I am thing or a aren’t I a wonderful person thing. No, it is a I am a child of my God, and this is what I am suppose to do thing.

      I get an immense sense of joy from helping others. A sense of satisfaction of using my time wisely and in proper measure as to filling my life with a sense of worth. That is another one of my God's gifts to me. The feeling of being clean inside and out. I think sometimes it drives my girls crazy and they wonder if I am strange because here I am an American in Germany and it seems like I know everyone, or that I have lots and lots of friends. But that is how I live, an open life. I have no secrets, for I found out in sobriety I am only as sick as my secrets. If I don't want to be sick or worry what someone will find out about me, it is best then to be totally open about who I am and what I do. The funny thing about that, is when I am living this way, no one really seems to care what I am doing, they are more concerned with what is going on in their lives than to look at mine.

      These are lessons that have come to me over time and in reflections on my life. This is my God's way of teaching me and letting me learn. I have come to realize in a way that when I was born my clock started counting down. Eventually it will strike zero and when it does my time will be up. The only thing is, I do not know when it will strike zero. As in the beginning of this chapter, it is a way to kind of force me to enjoy the time I have and appreciate the life going on around me.

      I have many things I look forward to. From walking my daughters down the aisle to bouncing grandchildren on my knees and taking them down to have ice cream and tell them all the embarrassing stuff their parents did to helping out more of my God's kids to hopefully live a full life. Every day brings to me something new I look forward to, want to do, or do, all of it filling my life up and filling me with appreciation and gratitude.

      When my clock strikes zero and my time is done, I want a big, big, big party. A BBQ to end all BBQ's that will be talked about in my great grand children time. I do not want to see one sad face in the lot. I plan on living a long life. I am living and have lived a full life, full of both laughter and tears, with no real regrets and no “I wish I had”. This is my God's gift to me. To be able to see that my life has been full, to see the love of my family, and quality of my friendships and that I have to the best of my ability been of service to my God and to my fellows.

      I have a little bit crude joke I like : “when I was born a stranger slapped me on the ass and made me cry, when I die, a stranger is going to throw dirt in my face, everything in between is just gravy”. For me that frees me, it is one of the benefits of sobriety. I no longer worry about leaving my mark on the world, or who will miss me when I am gone, or what have I accomplished in my life. None of that, is my business any longer, and none of it means a damn. What is important to me is that the people I love, know that I love them, and I know that they love me. My God loves me and I love my God. All the rest of it in is just BS and I need to remember that in my day to day living. For that keeps me in the here and now, and real to those around me. Anything else besides love is just my ego.

more to come ... summer time lol

hello friends,
more is coming i promise, just enjoying summer with my girls lol. Life is good.
Larry

Power and Right to be Me

The Power of and the Right to be: ME

      There is something about sobriety that I have noticed is seldom talked about. When I got sober, through the Grace of God's help, I was pretty low down and had a low value of myself as a person, let alone a human being. The farther along in the steps I went, things started to change. The power contained in the steps is to get me in touch with a power greater than myself that can do for me what I cannot do. In my case stay sober. As I went along I started to realize that I was becoming me. The me that I had in mind for myself as I grew up. Not the me others wanted me to be, or the me that changed like the seasons to make you happy. Just me, one hundred percent, undiluted, standing on my own two feet, looking the world in the eyes, happy with who I am and who I am becoming, me.

      I like to compare things. I like to give examples so as to form a mental picture. It makes it easier for me to grasp concepts and situations. I compare myself to an oak tree. My roots, thanks to God's help, firmly planted in the soil reaching down deep, securing my being and my belief against the winds of Life that try to uproot me or topple me over. Growing tall and strong in the belief of my God's love for all his children, my branches outstretched to provide shelter, comfort and protection to my loved ones and those needing help. I do not care nor compare myself to others, any more that an oak tree compares itself to or cares what the pine and poplar think or are. Like apples to oranges, comparisons are usually silly and of no value. Each is to their own, compete and whole, and have no need to be anything else.

      It seems there are a lot of labels in the world. Liberal, conservative, democrat, republican, independent, black, white, asian, native american, mixed race, pro-life, pro-gun, catholic, lutheran, jewish, hindu, the list goes on endlessly I think. Life trying to use words, to describe someone, instead of letting there actions tell you who they are. Each person has the right, I believe, to be themselves, not type cast or stereotyped or forced to be the square peg in the round hole of a label. Just as I have the right to be me, I have to give them the freedom to be themselves, not to label them like a can of corn, expecting to conform to the limits of the can. That is one of the freedoms and strengths I have received for being sober and in searching for the God of my own understanding.

      I was given a brain so I could use it. I think the God of my understanding wants me to use it. I like to think I am a reasonably intelligent, mature man. I say reasonably because there are times when I like being childlike, and I still love a good cartoon, and the feel of riding my bike and stopping for ice cream like I was a kid. I have the ability to take information and to form and intelligent opinion or belief based on that information. I do not need someone else to form it for me and tell me what to believe. I am a free man, given the gifts that God gives all His children. I have no use for a government or group or person to tell me what is right or wrong, good or bad, rational or irrational. Let me form my own opinion just give me the information at hand.

Thursdays with a horse, Looking at Heaven

Thursdays with a horse.

Looking at Heaven

      Many times in life, I have marveled at the blessings I have been given. I write and talk a lot about perception and how sobriety has brought a change in my perception. The appreciation of what I have versus what I want. It seems as I get older, I am coming to realize that what I want, I already have. The important things like God, Family, and Love, not the transitory things like money, possessions, and such.

      I was over to visit my daughters yesterday, and as seems to be the case, whenever I am not looking, it hits me. I am a very lucky man. My girls were in the living room, the oldest on her laptop and the youngest laying on the couch. Both back from a day at school, relaxing, comfortable, safe and at peace. What more could I ever ask for?

      I look and I watch and am just amazed. How did this happen where I have two such wonderful girls? When I look at my girls, I see them as they are today, teenagers growing into fine young women. But I also see them as they were, remembering when they were in diapers, walking with them to their first day of school, and driving them to belly dancing class. I remember, in Colorado, taking Tabea to the circus, and picking Meyra up from her daycare. Special daughter, poppa times.

      Whenever I wonder what heaven must be like, I remember the feeling of holding them in my arms when they were babies and watching them sleep. That feeling of love, warmth and all is right in my world. I remember the feeling I felt, that fatherly pride, as Tabea, my eldest, walked into her prom. She was no longer Poppa's little girl, although in my heart she will always be, she is a young woman. During the course of evening, there was the traditional father and daughter dance. That was a bitter sweet moment, almost a precursor to the father giving the daughter away at her wedding. I know that time will come, this was the just warm up, a glimpse into the future. I am pretty sure that I will be just as proud then and just as heart broken.

      Every Thursday I get the opportunity to visit a little slice of heaven. I get to take my youngest daughter horseback riding. Seeing her smile as she gallops on her horse is almost a direct link between my heart and heaven. I may be a sentimental old fool, but seeing someone I love, enjoying what they are doing, oblivious to the world around them, care free for that instant in time, is just that, sentimental and precious. A respite in time, a glimpse into what I feel is God's love for all his children.

      Big beautiful horses and God's kids playing under the sun, enjoying the, and living in, the moment. When I wish I could freeze time this is what I mean. But this is what memories are for. God's little Polaroid moment forever lock in my memory of how good life can be and what heaven must surely be like.

just a friendly reminder if you like this

Hello friends, just a friendly reminder if you like this blog, you should like my first book, "The Dirt Road on Which I Walk"  available in eBook format just about any where and available on Amazon.com for download, or kindle, or softback.  also, like i said previously 2nd book coming out end of July - mid August.. In all things with Love and Laughter, God Bless Larry

lot more coming

well fiends, seems that my writers block has broken, and the literary juices are flowing so more to come and on a more regular basis.  second book should be out in end july- mid august time frame.. thanks in all things with Love and Laughter , God Bless Larry.

Of Death, Farewells and Goodbyes

Death, Farewells, Goodbyes

      Love is a quirky thing. One of my definitions being: missing their physical presence in my life. So if I miss someone then chance’s are that I love them. This is especially true when someone passes away. It is easy to forget how much I love someone when they just down the street or a phone call away. To make excuses as to being to busy or rushed today to take the time right now for them, is not uncommon for me, but I realized when people I loved had passed away how much I would give just to have one more chance to chat and have coffee.

     When my Dad moved on, it was quick. I was a drill sergeant at the time when I got word of his passing. The army and my command were very good at getting me the time to go home and do the necessary things, but the one big loss I had felt at the time and still do, is just the having of a little one on one time to have a cup of coffee with him, and get caught up on life. No major questions needing answered or help needed, just miss him is all and probably more than enough.

     After my brother Bob passed away, it was a feeling of what a waste. I felt here was a guy, my brother, who I just wish I could have shook some sense into. A man who had so much love in his life, but was so deep in the pit that his drinking had dug that he was blind to the path where the sun waited to warm his soul. Being sober myself, I knew the solution, but could not get my brother to see. I know what it is like to not be able to see until I am ready to see. I also know that sobriety is something you have to want. I have met many who need it, but it is those that want it, that have a chance. I just sometimes forget that when I am dealing with someone I love. I would like to make it easier for them but I know that does not work.

      With my brother Dennis's passing, I felt like I was at the funeral of a man I never really knew. He had been out of my and my families life for close to if not more than twenty years. So in reality I really did not know him, and that to me was a shame. When I was helping to clear out his stuff from the house, I was coming across items that I would like to have talked to my brother about. I can remember talking with him and it seemed every thing was just surface conversation and not anything of depth. I know he must have had some issues in his life and I would have liked to talk to him about those. I can honestly say I was never able to really figure out what made him tick and that was my loss. It is sad to have a brother I did not know well. 

much more to follow.....